IJMC - Ineffective Daily Affirmations

Ok, as everyone may have noticed, the problem wasn't fixed...but, they've 
got a new solution, so here goes...                                 -dave









  Ineffective Daily Affirmations


  I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
   course, I want to stay employed.

  A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

  As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
   Sociopath.

  I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
   of suspicion and paranoia.

  I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
   self-righteous people around me.

  Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
   sweeter words than "I told you so."

  False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

  I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
   complain.

  As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
   me in many ways to keep me quiet.

  I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
   someone else's fault.

  I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even
   more.

  I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
   personality at all.

  Joan of Arc heard voices too.

  When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
   nearly as gratifying.

  The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
   nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
   things.

  As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

  All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
   disgusting parts.

  I am at one with my duality.

  Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

  I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

  Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
   imaginary fears.

  Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to
   incessant nagging?

  I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
   local laws.

  Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
   Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

  Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll
   find someone.

  Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
   worrying about the future?

  The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
   is working.

  I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

  Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step:
   blaming my parents.

  To understand all is to fear all.

  I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can
   laugh at.

  The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not
   home.

  When I dance through life, I do the Texas Two-Step.

  To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like
   I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

  I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
   from them.

  In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

  Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
   others.

  My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.