IJMC - What A Day.

Ok, a day later, and we're still having problems with the morons who have 
decided to show their stupidity and continue to e-mail the entire IJMC 
list. I can only assume these people have no lives and choose simply to 
make ours more difficult. And if any of them care to comment, well, I 
suggest you do so directly to me, at eatheror@netcom.com . I'd like to 
thank each and every one of you morons for helping to make this one of 
the lousiest birthday's I've ever had. 

To the rest of you, thank you for patiently deleting the extra e-mails 
and a special thanks to those of you who have e-mailed me directly with 
your support and suggestions. The IJMC will go on and I'm looking at 
taking the time next weekend to place the listserver on my own machine so 
that I can control this in the future. In the meantime, continue to be 
patient and perhaps Netcom will fix this bleeding problem...I'm on hold 
with tech support right now. AAARRRGGGGHHHH!                        -dave




THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM

    You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
    only one parachute. How would you react?

   Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
              the jump anyway.

   Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
             crashes just like this before.

   Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

   Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
   parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

   Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

   Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
     the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

   Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
   and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like
   one too.

   Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
   with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

   Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is
   a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

   Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
   and dental floss.

   Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
   a report on how well it worked.

   Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
   that it will work in all cases.

   Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

   English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
   instructions.

   Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in
   all four languages.

   Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
   parachute as well as a human being could.

   Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
   intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

   Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
   reminds them of.

   Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
   character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

   Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

   Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them
   to work hard and not expect handouts.

   Democrat:  you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
   cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

   Libertarian:  after reminding them of their constitutional right
   to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

   National Rifle Association:  you shoot them and take the parachute.

   Police Bigot:  you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

   Environmentalist:  you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
   biodegradable.

   Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
   parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

   Branch Davidian (David Koresh):  you get inside the parachute
   and refuse to come out.

   Sports Fan:  you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

   Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
   it works fine.

   Ross Perot:  you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
   you long to learn how to fix a plane.

   Surgeon General:  you issue a warning that skydiving can be
   hazardous to your health.

   Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
   despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown
   no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.