IJMC - An Advertisment?
Not hardly. Not on the IJMC. Nope. Not on Bill's Punch Line, either.
However, I thought this one from him contained too much good stuff to
avoid passing it along to everyone. And, well, he deserves the credit for
what he does (and his wife!). So, enjoy, and have a taste of my
competition...and one of the better joke lists out there...after the
International Junk Mail Clearinghouse, of course! -dave
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Unified International Independent Representatives.
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Send all BPL correspondence to tcmrtalk@airmail.net.
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Reaching 3,636 around the world. Send Punch Line to your friends.
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From: RAINYbow <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
** A PRAYER FOR TODAY **
Dear God,
So far today, I've done alright.
I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then
on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you!
Amen
=======BPL======
From: "Darren" <chngch@singnet.com.sg>
A surprise toast at a wedding goes this way:
"And finally, may the happy couple lie, steal and cheat. (Pause, then
explains) May they lie in each other's arms, may they steal away for a
blissful honeymoon, and may they cheat time and live long and happy lives."
========BPL========
From: Just4laughs@USA.Net
FOR ALL THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945 WE ARE SURVIVORS!!! (Repeat by request)
CONSIDER THE CHANGES WE HAVE WITNESSED!!!
We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and
ball-point pens. Before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man
walked on the moon.
We got married first--and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".
Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagons. Designer
jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins. We
thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was
the back of the Riviera Theatre.
We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual
careers, and computer marriages. We were before day-care centers,
group therapy and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio,tape
decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors,
yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.
For us, time sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or
condominiums; a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant
hardware, and software wasn't even a word!
In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred
to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee
were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent
stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. You could buy
ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride
a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail
one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for
$600....but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11
cents a gallon.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed. COKE
was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a
grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.
We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was
discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with
what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to
think you needed a husband to have a baby.
NO WONDER WE ARE SO CONFUSED AND THERE IS SUCH A GENERATION GAP
TODAY!!!
=======BPL=======
From: Just4laughs@USA.Net
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
****************************************************************
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
****************************************************************** Now
The updated version for the '90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.
Would you say times have changed? =BR=
=======BPL=======
From: nbrown@polymail.cpunix.calpoly.edu (Nick Brown)
QUIZ QUESTIONS
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
How many birthdays does the average man have?
How many months have 28 days?
A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
QUIZ ANSWERS
Yes, of course. But they don't call it Independence Day
One
All twelve of them
The beggar is her sister.
He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
========BPL========
Keep Laughing!
=Bill Rayborn=
,,,
(- o)
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