IJMC - SquishTeX

You know, SquishTeX would be interesting to run an IJMC rambling through...I 
wonder if anything would come out? Well, for the next week and a few 
days, I'm afraid nothing will come out of the IJMC, unless someone wants 
to track me down and hand me a cellular capable portable computer? Nope? 
Well then, you'll just have to make do with your overflowing mailboxes 
without more IJMC to heap on the top! But do not despair, I shall return. 
I just gotta get outta this place, ya know? Till next I write...       -dave





Is your manuscript 213 words too long with the deadline in 10
minutes?  Do the last two citations run over the 10-page limit?
Are your lines already running off the page?  Is the move from
5-point to 4-point looking inevitable?

                         *** NO MORE ***

Now, No-Knuthing Technologies presents SquishTeX, the first
typesetting program with a compression coefficient, $\alpha$,
that allows you to continuously vary the length of your
document from original size to zero without ever violating
journal submission guidelines.  If $\alpha = 1$, SquishTeX
performs in the same uncompromising, idyllic fashion as the
original TeX.

As $\alpha$ is decreased towards 0, SquishTeX uses a variety
of proprietary devices to cleverly condense your text.

         * Substitution of almost-equivalent citations, but with
shorter names and fewer authors.  Elimination of citations of
authors unlikely to be on review boards.

         * Elision of unnecessarily pompous literary devices:
adjectives, adverbs and prepositions, for instance.

         * Automatic use of thesaurus to find short equivalents of
long words:
                          relativistic -> fast
                          superlative -> rad
                          1.56 * 10^37 -> a lot

         * Elimination of vowels and consonants that seem
"obvious enough".

         * Wide-scale deletion of mindless drivel.

         * Use of the "you can guess the rest" syntactic construct.

Turn a 200 page thesis into an 8 page conference paper ($\alpha
= .04$)!  No document is too complex.  New users will marvel
at the sophisticated foreign air about their papers!