IJMC - Trouble for Telemarketers

Ahh, I thought it was about time for this...and what do you know, one 
showed up. Telemarketers continue to become more and more insidious. Time 
once again to rejoin the fight and take it back to them. I am becoming 
used to telemarketers trying to sell me things...then, when whatever they 
sold me turns out to be a pipe dream, the company who provides the 
product apologizes for the "other" company who does their marketing. 
Well, I say we fight. Dirty, but of course, fun. So, read on, take notes 
if necessary, preferably print this out and keep it by a phone. We can 
all stand together and teach them that telemarketing does not pay.  -dave


How To Deal with Telemarketers ...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for 
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so 
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I 
have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes 
are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to 
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then 
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, 
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, 
are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal 
questions or questions about their company for as long as 
necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name 
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and 
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how 
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief 
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she 
could know you from.
6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each 
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to 
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and 
Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't 
have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? 
Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to 
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could 
not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, 
they often can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a 
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my 
God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask 
him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you 
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that 
telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I 
guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The 
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please 
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat 
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your 
dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and 
ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a 
number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I 
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a 
joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your 
mom?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to 
speak up... louder... louder...louder...
20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write 
EVERY WORD down.



Lynn D. Combs