IJMC - More Puns

More puns than what? Than you can shake a stick at? That ever ought to be 
in one place at a time? Dunno. Decide for yourself, although whatever you 
decide this is a lot of puns.                                       -dave








Eskimos
  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
  the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your
  kayak and heat it, too.


Weevils
  Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
  became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
  never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
  lesser of two weevils.


Christmas Breakfast
  This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
  home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
  just have the eggs benedict."  His order comes a while later and it's
  served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
  hubcap?"  The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the
  hollandaise!"


Average
  When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.


Partical Physics
  A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
  The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Atomic Discussion
  Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.  One
  says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!"  "Are
  you sure?"  "Yeah, I'm positive!"


Tooth Ache
  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novacaine
  during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.


Daiquiri
  A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
  daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would
  always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as
  the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
  that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw
  together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The
  doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
  exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied
  the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."


Whom To Eat
  A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
  eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading
  a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
  pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of
  the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


Personal Problems
  A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating
  recurring dreams.  First, I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
  teepee; then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's wrong with
  me?"  The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."


Poland At Night
  The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights
  because the power had been knocked out by a severe ice storm. "We're
  running out of coal," he said to his trainman, "but I think we're
  coming to Gdansk or Danzig, or whatever they call it now. Let's stop
  and send the porter out to buy some more fuel. Can you see a sign on
  the depot that says Gdansk in this dim light?" 
  The trainman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark." 
  And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!" 


Porpoise Problems
  A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
  that could live forever, provided that they were fed a steady diet of 
  seagulls.  One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
  and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the 
  road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately 
  he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions 
  for immortal porpoises.
 

No Win Situation
  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
  in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
  would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


An Indian Success Story
  Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by
  the discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the
  yuppie temptation, and he was particularly proud and
  pleased when his two boys were accepted into the swanky
  yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
  ambition was to see ... his red sons in the sail set.
  (By Bennett Cerf)


The Panhandler
  A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess
  liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
  He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship
  telling him, ...Beggars can't be cruisers.


The General's Funeral
  The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington
  National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no
  other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a
  helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The  newspapers reported the
  incident with the headlines, ... "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"


Starlet
  Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in
  a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the
  star and the producer. It was just a sham though, she never got any
  air time at all. You might even say she was ... shared skit less.


The Tilde
  As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde:. Walt
  Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until
  his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's
  potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
  my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.


Indecision
  The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or
  Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling
  to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This
  indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation
  and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... You can't have your
  Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)


The Lawyer
  A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were
  sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's
  name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the
  lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy
  the balls."


Quasimodo
  As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers' Olympics, he
  tried to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead
  compartment.
  I'm sorry, said the flight attendant,  ... That's only for
  carillon luggage.


New Coin
  A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
  piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one
  side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan
  Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the
  official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply
  call "Teds, or Hales!"


Moonlighting
  Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn
  was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine
  slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine
  stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
  told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can
  have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon."


The Wedding Gift
  A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his
  offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their
  favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words.... "hiss and
  hearse"


The Coal Miner
  A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that
  his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
  canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
  Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
  week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
  charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."


Abe Lincoln
  If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he would have become a
  baseball announcer before starting a career in politics,
  I can hear his strong voice on the radio stating, Yes
  folks, the Yankees were once in this game But that was
  four scores and seven errors ago.


Funeral
  A hearse was taking a man to a cemetery on top of a
  mountain overlooking a small town. The driver took a curve
  too quickly causing the casket to roll out of the back and
  down a very long hill. There happened to be a pharmacy at
  the bottom of the hill and the casket rolled through the
  open loading dock door, down one of the aisles and right
  past the drug counter. As it rolled by a customer asked
  the pharmacist, "Do you have anything to stop this 
  coffin?"


Ranch
  Three brothers went out west to start a cattle ranch. They
  couldn't think of an appropriate name for it so they wired
  their father for suggestions. He wired back, call it
  focus, for that's where the son's raise meat.
  (suns rays meet)


Sausage
  The story concerns a butcher who went into a petshop. He
  fell in love with one the seabirds in the shop. Alas, he
  had no money to spend, but the shop owner agreed to give
  him the bird in exchange for some of that delicious German
  sausage. It seems he took a tern for the wurst!


Duck
  Police in Kinshasa, Zaire have arrested a duck suspected
  of sorcery. The duck was taken into custody after
  shattering the windshield of a minibus. Passengers
  apparently blamed the "evil duck" for the accident...
  police suspect fowl play.


Zoo
  The Crist family worked at a zoo.  Each year they
  predict the overall mood of the year by watching the
  the gnu's who, if their ears were forward, predicted a
  fsuccessful, joyous year, but it their ears were laid back
  flat, predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year it
  was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animals and come up
  with the prediction.  It was her first time solo, and in
  her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus.  Well,
  she botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it was
  quite good.  In explanation, the next winter the local
  newspaper ran the following headline:
  Mary Crist Misses An Happy Gnu's Ear!


Beginnings
  There are some happy medical sciences (pediatrics,
  obstetrics), but others are not so happy. A case in point
  concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and
  saddened group. No wonder. One of the first things they
  learn is that our lives are ova before they've begun.


Stress
  A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
  alternating  recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then
  I'm a wigwam; then I'm a  teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's
  driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor
  replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."


Luggage
  As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
  could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
  airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant
  noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you
  wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
  "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."


Cleaning Up
  Two guys were standing inside a building of a local
  theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely
  windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of
  sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs)
  and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.
  One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would
  have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside
  to work. The lady looked up and replied, "You mean,
  Now I weigh me down to sweep?"


Mary Poppins
  After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny
  and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After
  a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small
  detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her
  psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space
  on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign
  proudly. It read:  "Super California Mystic, Expert
  Halitosis."


Bug
  A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a
  good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started
  circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's
  ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug
  squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the
  udder.


Juice
  This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years.
  One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag
  boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice
  machines. The manager says no. The bag boy goes, "But I've been
  working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
  The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."


Dining
  It was a warm Southern California evening when the jury reached a
  verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The  nation was anxiously
  awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on
  the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that
  moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for
  the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence
  and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified
  and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as
  soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because,
  she insisted, "His Honor was at steak."


Costume
  A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when
  he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force
  covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
  wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
  "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito
  on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his
  honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only
  a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "tis life and there's
  a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is,"  replied Mike.
  "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."


Cards
  The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of
  the epic movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Roger was the big winner
  but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy,
  Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up
  the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts. He was unable to
  scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but
  Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was
  quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date. Casper showed
  his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King,
  eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the
  story: The spirit was willing but the flush was weak..


Punishment
  Once upon a time, there lived in an African forest, two families off
  amiable, hardworking wildebeasts, who often enjoyed picnicing together.
  However, each family had one young mischief-maker, though each mother
  was convinced that her own little child was innocent and that the other
  was the troublemaker. "You should punish that rascally brat of yours,"
  shrilled one of the mothers finally. "A sound spanking might do him some
  good." "Spank my son, indeed," huffed the other. "Why don't you .... go
  paddle your own gnu?"


Sibling
  The young gull was an only child. He was well behaved and a delight to
  his mother. The mother said to her infant. "As you have been so good,
  would you like a brother" The small bird replied, .... "Oh Yes! one
  good tern deserves another."


Never Forget
  An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
  turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across
  the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because
  I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53
  years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the
  elephant, .... "turtle recall".


Birds
  The trustees of the Madrid Zoo heard that their were only 30 whooping
  cranes left in the world and decided they must have one before the breed
  became extinct, The only zoo that had more than two pair and was willing
  to let one go was the San Diego Zoo in the United States. Arrangements
  were made to trade the cranes for a species of Wildebeast that the San
  Diego Zoo did not have. The birds were dispached via air freight.
  However, when they arrived at the Madrid Airport, it was very cold and
  the birds refused to disembark. It was reported to the zoo director,
  that .... the cranes in Spain stay mainly in the plane. 


Plastic Surgery
  Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest.
  And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to
  do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment
  with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
  However it wasn't his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was
  proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he
  was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominant than
  the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week
  after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive
  surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated
  as ... New Ears Day.


At Any Cost
  Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. 
  Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at
  the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the 
  playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of 
  their fondest memories of the trip. They were the first in line on that 
  cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower when there was a 
  sudden flash of lightning which struck the tower totally destroying it.
  The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to sell 
  tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price. The newlyweds immediately 
  accepted the offer thereby becoming the first husband and wife team to 
  receive ... the no bell price. 


Crazy
  When Leif Ericson returned from his New World voyage, he found that his 
  name had been dropped from the registry of his hometown. He reported the 
  omission to the chief town official who, deeming it a slight to a 
  distinguished citizen, protested strongly to the district census taker. "I'm 
  terribly sorry," apologized that officer in great embarrassment. ... "I must
  have taken Leif off my census"! 


Hunting 
  Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing 
  their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and 
  waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently 
  waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the 
  same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! 
  They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and 
  they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this 
  arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to 
  divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which 
  end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So 
  even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought 
  ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.


Close
  This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to 
  Honus Wagner. Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights
  and when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well. One 
  time, he was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he 
  just lost it in the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the 
  time and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the out. This was the very 
  first time anyone was ever ... thrown out by a hare.. 


Fancy Pet
  I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a beautiful 
  golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly and everyone 
  loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become quite odoriferous. It 
  had reached the point where you couldn't walk in the room without feeling 
  nauseous. I tried various household solutions to clean the cage, and get rid 
  of the odors but none would work. Finally the bird, himself, came up with 
  the solution, singing, ... "Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage." 


No Tears
  Seems a gal was just walking into a receptionist area... when her 2 friends,
  Tina and Marge were sharing a very funny joke. In fact it was so funny they 
  were in tears. The gal walked in and upon seeing this said, ... "Don't cry
  for me Marge & Tina. 


Storage
  Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that 
  was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, 
  the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their 
  love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift 
  up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, 
  the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic 
  became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King. Moral to 
  the story is: ... People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


League Logic
  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid 
  bowlers. However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. 
  Thus,  we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled..
 

Doctors
  A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think 
  I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll 
  just have to be a little patient."


Cures
  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies 
  with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of 
  a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When 
  the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the 
  eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs
  enemas?"
 
Lost
  Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to 
  produce other products. Since they already made the cases for pocket 
  watches, they decided to make compasses for the pioneers traveling west. 
  It turned out that although their watches were the finest quality, their 
  compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico 
  rather than California or Oregon. This of course, is the origin of the 
  expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 
Crappy Situation
  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory 
  equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
  nothing to go on."


Prescription 
  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. 
  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip 
  of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew 
  and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the 
  medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief 
  shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


New Math 
  There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on 
  an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became 
  pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the 
  hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that the squaw of
  the hoppopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two 
  hides.