IJMC - 99 Problematic Macs On the Wall

I will continue to remain mostly quiet, and let one of the authors speak 
about this post.                                                   -dave









It has been awhile since the last Mac bashing session, I thought it was
about time for another.

Me and a mate, James, came up with this one lazy day at work.  Hope you can
use it.



99 Problems with a Mac
-----------------------------------

99 shades of Mac plastic
98 disks spat out
97 single button mouse clicks
96 shades of gray
95 paperclips stuck in the little hole to pull the disk out
94 bombs popping up on the screen
93 Word incompatibility problems
92 Stylewriter errors
91 Out of Memory messages
90 Monotone dings
89 Different card games
88 incompatible peripheral connectors
87 disk formatting errors
86 little happy smiling Mac faces at startup
85 unhappy user faces at startup
84 points playing Dark Castle
83 points playing Paratrooper
82 Bill Gates jokes
81 doorstop jokes
80 books on user interface design by Toj
79 DOS files that cant be read
78 points playing Mortar
77 abusive comments
76 hits to the screen
75 thumps on the Apple key
74 calls to Tech Support
73 trips to AppleCentre
72 email death threats to Jobs & Wozniak
71 attempts at installing OS8.0
70 attempts at uninstalling OS8.0
69 wasted pages through the LaserWriter
68 unwanted subscriptions to Mac User
67 free passes to MacWorld
66 pamphlets on the Newton
65 wishes for a better Mac
64 memories of the Apple IIC
63 times you need a second button on the mouse
62 times you wonder why a Mac has a handle
61 times you decide to use the handle to throw the Mac out the window
60 different drivers for the LaserWriter
59 wishes for colour
58 pieces of Mac after throwing it out the window
57 floors to carry it back up
56 curses about how heavy it is
55 prayers for a decent keyboard
54 bps from your MacModem
53 times you avoid inviting a girl home because you own a Mac
52 times a girl leaves because you own a Mac
51 times you try to look at porn on your Mac
50 times it doesnt do anything for ya
49 calls to tech support at your ISP to get your Mac connected to the net
48 minutes of laughter from the techs at the ISP 'cause you own a Mac
47 attempts at getting the modem to recognise ATZ
46 attempts at getting the modem to recognise ATDT
45 versions of Netscape
44 non-working versions of Netscape
43 sites in the list which have the HQX expander
42 of those sites are down
41 attempts at finding pkunzip for the Mac
40 web sites that have cool screensavers
39 dont have Mac screensavers
38 key marks on your forehead after falling asleep waiting for screensaver
37 people in the office who don't understand how to use your Mac
36 people who try anyway
35 people who laugh at you for having a Mac
34 people who give you Mac stuff for Christmas presents
33 Xmas presents you already have
32 presents you cant sell at a garage sale
31 times you comtemplated buying an IBM XT
30 times you decided against it solely on the grounds it has 2 pieces
29 dead pixels on the screen
28 people who say "Buy an XT"
27 times you answer with "It doesn't even have a handle"
26 times you club their laughing remains into oblivion with the keyboard
25 bodies that now need to be quicklimed
24 knocks on the door from the police
23 dismissive police when they discover you own a Mac
22 reasons that owning a Mac removes you from their investigation
21 times you try and get appletalk working
20 attempts until you realise you need a second Mac
19 thoughts of getting a PowerMac
18 times you think how much you paid for your Mac
17 times you remember you are still paying it off
16 Mac users in you users group 2 months ago
15 Mac users in the group 1 month ago
14 Mac users in the group now
13 of your family think you are a loner
12 of them think it is because you own a Mac
11 bodies of your family hidden in wall cavities for making jokes about you / your Mac / your relationship with your Mac
10 Mac newsgroups
9 posts across these newsgroups
8 of these being "Me Too"
7 copies of the AOL cds for your Mac
6 of these make excellent coasters
5 the number of thousands that Apple wants for a new Mac
4 the number of people who consider a new Mac when buying a computer
3 the number of people in the Apple Marketing department
2 the number of people who started Apple
1 the number of people who own a Mac... it's you you loser.... <BANG>


-------
Craig TAYLOR
Level 3
West Plaza, Hyatt Centre
Woodside Energy Ltd.

What you should be reading is up above, not down here.