IJMC Pet the Sweaty Things

                     IJMC - Pet the Sweaty Things

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, floss. Brush your teeth 
too. Yesterday I had the pleasure of lying in a dentist's chair while he 
cut away part of my teeth and replaced it with some metal looking stuff 
that doesn't feel or look all that great. Fortunately, it's in the back 
of my mouth, with my other fillings. Don't do it. Just brush and floss 
every day and don't let the cavities get bad. Even with the laughing gas, 
we're not talking fun and games. So remember, brushing and flossing good, 
reading your daily IJMC good, cavities and fillings bad.            -dave

1.  Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3.  One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4.  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6.  The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7.  I doubt, therefore I might be.

8.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9.  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, 
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

26. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train 
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

27. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

28. If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

29. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

30. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

31. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up 
with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

32. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

33. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

34. What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

35. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as 
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

36. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

37. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

38. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

39. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in 
charge of everything outdoors?

40. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. 
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

41. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

42. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

43. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

IJMC May 1999 Archives