IJMC Take You For a Ride

                    IJMC - Take You For a Ride

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for flying Dave Airlines today, please 
put your seat trays up and return your attendant to their original, 
upright position.                                                -dave

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported: 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..." 

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of
the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." 

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." 

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight." 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" 

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children." 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

"Last one off the plane must clean it." 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...  Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight...!" 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,
"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!!" 

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted." 

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more. 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. 

IJMC May 1999 Archives