IJMC - Reverse Life Cycle
After a few technical difficulties...such as the fact that my computer
was unplugged and spread between two rooms...I'm back. Of course, I'm
also a week behind now...I think I'll just do two a night for a week or
so and leave it at that. That way, I can also catch up on all the email I
have sitting around. I'm glad to have the computer hooked back up on a
new desk. My new setup works rather well and I'm looking forward to the
time to use it in the upcoming months. Yeehaw! Enjoy this one, although I
doubt you'll have any trouble guessing my favorite. I probably should
mention, I think this might be George Carlin, although I've found
multiple attributes out there and it came to me with none... -dave
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in
with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back
at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw
this away for me? Thank you."
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)
'Married!'(walk off). That's how they mark their territory!
You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake!
Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think
I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up
and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he
want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't
see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
Mysteries of Women:
I'm out with my wife the other day. She says, 'My feet hurt.'
I say, 'Well, why did you wear those shoes?' She says, 'I
didn't know we were going to be walking!'... Hello? Keep up
with evolution! We're walking now! Feel free to slither!
She was wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst
invention. Aren't they, ladies? I've heard that women wear
those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick
out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear,
you'd be a lot more comfortable.
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. Theysay,
'Oh my god! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel
awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone
to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my
god!...give me your hand!...It won't be long now..."
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too young, you get a gold watch when you go to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement! You do
drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school!
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a
piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in
Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't
think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want
to run, they can rest in the electric chair that's hooked up
to the generator.
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials! The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting
"I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give
me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking
proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you
are not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls at $2.95 a minute. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood!"
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is 'Share the love!' Leave a message after the beep." "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"