IJMC - Reverse Life Cycle

After a few technical difficulties...such as the fact that my computer 
was unplugged and spread between two rooms...I'm back. Of course, I'm 
also a week behind now...I think I'll just do two a night for a week or 
so and leave it at that. That way, I can also catch up on all the email I 
have sitting around. I'm glad to have the computer hooked back up on a 
new desk. My new setup works rather well and I'm looking forward to the 
time to use it in the upcoming months. Yeehaw! Enjoy this one, although I 
doubt you'll have any trouble guessing my favorite. I probably should 
mention, I think this might be George Carlin, although I've found 
multiple attributes out there and it came to me with none...        -dave


 Ads in Bills: 
 Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in 
 with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, 
 they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back 
 at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. 
 Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw 
 this away for me? Thank you." 
 
 Fabric Softener: 
 My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff 
 was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 
 'Married!'(walk off). That's how they mark their territory! 
 You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April 
 fresh scent out of your clothes. 
 
 Cripes! 
 My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very 
 wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake! 
 Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the 
 church of 'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think 
 I wanna burn in 'Heck'? 
 
 Morning Differences: 
 Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up 
 aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up 
 and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he 
 want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't 
 see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve! 
 
 Mysteries of Women: 
 I'm out with my wife the other day. She says, 'My feet hurt.' 
 I say, 'Well, why did you wear those shoes?' She says, 'I 
 didn't know we were going to be walking!'... Hello? Keep up 
 with evolution! We're walking now! Feel free to slither! 
 She was wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst 
 invention. Aren't they, ladies? I've heard that women wear 
 those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick 
 out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear, 
 you'd be a lot more comfortable. 
 
 Pregnancy: 
 It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. Theysay, 
 'Oh my god! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel 
 awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone 
 to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my 
 god!...give me your hand!...It won't be long now..." 
 
 Grandma: 
 My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,'Sexy 
 Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that 
 way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder 
 where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday! 
 
 Reverse Life Cycle: 
 The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life 
 is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the 
 end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle 
 is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. 
 Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're 
 too young, you get a gold watch when you go to work. You work forty 
 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement! You do 
 drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school! 
 You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no 
 responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the 
 womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as 
 a gleam. 
 
 Prisons: 
 Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year 
 to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a 
 piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in 
 Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't 
 think we should give free room and board to criminals. I 
 think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a 
 treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want 
 to run, they can rest in the electric chair that's hooked up 
 to the generator. 
 
 Award Shows 
 Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have 
 awards for commercials! The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of 
 commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the 
 whole thing. 
 
 Phone-in Polls: 
 You know those shows where people call in and vote on different 
 issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't 
 know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting 
 "I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give 
 me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking 
 proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you 
 are not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex 
 girls at $2.95 a minute. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood!" 
 
 Answering Machine: 
 Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on 
 someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out 
 enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the 
 day is 'Share the love!' Leave a message after the beep." "Uh, 
 yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being 
 positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"