IJMC - A Whole Lotta Quotes
You know, after that virus warning, I'm wondering how hard it would be to
write a Word macro virus that would automatically sign the user's account
up for some mailing list as well as send itself to everyone...oh well,
it's probably a good thing I don't write Word macros...<bwhaha>...anyway,
this is all for tonight, tomorrow, better things come. -dave
"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was
erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his
work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."
-Gravestone Inscription
"On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten."
-Anon
"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."
-Anon
"You are accustomed to ostracism from childhood because you are
overweight, deformed, stupid, or have an extremely short [deleted]."
-Anon
"All things being equal, you lose."
-Anon
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us
who do."
-Anon
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"
-Anon
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open
manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks
"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau]."
-Anon
"Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)"
-Anon
"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency."
-Anon
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
-Anon
"Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's."
-Anon
"If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate."
-Anon
"To err is human. And stupid."
-Anon
"Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry."
-Anon
"Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry."
-Anon
"Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist."
-Anon
"A friend in need is a pest indeed."
-Anon
"A king's castle is his home."
-Anon
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA."
-Anon
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-Anon
"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
-Anon
"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
-Anon
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it."
-Anon
"Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it."
-Anon
"If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!"
-Anon
"Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle."
-Anon
"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
-Anon
"High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail."
-Anon
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
-Anon
"All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."
-Anon
"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way."
-Anon
"A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right."
-Anon
"In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay."
-Anon
"Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either."
-Anon
"Murphy was an optimist."
-Anon
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
-Anon
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe."
-Anon
"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
-Anon
"Hire a teenager while they still know it all."
-Anon
"When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane."
-Anon
"Enough research will tend to support your theory."
-Anon
"Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA."
-Anon
"Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat."
-Anon
"One good turn gets most of the blankets."
-Anon
"I had an IQ test. The results came back negative."
-Anon
"A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries."
-Anon
"I know! I'll transcribe the conversations between the voices in my head
and send them to you!!!"
-David Borenstein
"God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!"
-Anon
"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."
-Anon
"An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance."
-Anon
"Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you."
-Anon
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it."
-Anon
"So many checks, so little money."
-Anon
"Get thee down. Be thou funky."
-Anon
"Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser."
-Anon
"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."
-Anon
"As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841."
-Anon
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
-Anon
"If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!"
-Anon
"Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch."
-Anon
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon
"Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot."
-Anon
"Moderation is good, but boring."
-Anon
"Heisenburg probably rules."
-Anon
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
-Anon
"What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket."
-Anon
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-Anon
"To err is human, to forgive is against company policy."
-Anon
"Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper."
-Anon
"When all else fails, follow instructions."
-Anon
"If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments."
-Anon
"Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it."
-Anon
"Honour thy error as hidden intention."
-Anon
"Worship the gods, listen to their advice, but don't lend them money."
-Anon
"Don't judge a book by its movie."
-Anon
"Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking."
-Anon
"Chicken Little only has to be right once."
-Anon
"In case of doubt, make it sound convincing."
-Anon
"Practice makes perfeckt."
-Anon
"God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day."
-Anon
"If an experiment works, something has gone wrong."
-Anon
"Religions change, but beer and wine remain."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."
-Anon
"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
-Anon
"Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it."
-Anon
"A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy."
-Anon
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
-Anon
"Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends."
-Anon
"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines."
-Anon
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
-Fletcher Knebel
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
-Anon
"He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder."
-Anon
"He who throws mud loses ground."
-Anon
"Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved."
-Anon
"A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother."
-Anon
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I."
-Anon
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and
it holds the Universe together."
-Carl Zwanig
"Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh."
-Anon
"Money is the root of all wealth."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool."
-Anon
"No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong."
-Anon
"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."
-Anon
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
-Anon
"There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives."
-Anon
"Start off every day with a smile and get it over with."
-Anon
"Virtue is it's own punishment."
-Anon
"There are two times I feel stress--day and night."
-Anon
"Avoid reality at all costs."
-Anon
"A penny saved is ridiculous!"
-Anon
"A good pun is its own reword."
-Anon
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
-Anon
"When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing."
-Anon
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice."
-Anon
"A steak a day keeps the cows dead."
-Anon
"All general statements are false."
-Anon
"Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away."
-Anon
"Every silver lining has a cloud."
-Anon
"The real world is a special case."
-Anon
"Langsam's Law: Everything depends."
-Anon
"Most people deserve each other."
-Anon
"The trouble with getting a life is making the payments."
-Anon
"Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do."
-Anon
"Silence is one great art of conversation."
-Anon
"Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be."
-Anon
"All the world's a stage...most of us are just stagehands."
-Anon
"Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."
-Anon
"There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for
room."
-Anon
"A hell of a fat chance my orange bears had."
-Kenneth Patchen
"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all
night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
-Anon
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
-Anon
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
-Anon
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Anon
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
-Anon
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
-Anon
"The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it."
-Anon
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth
to a child. She must be found and stopped."
-Sam Stevenson
"Monday is the root of all evil."
"Being superstitious brings bad luck."
-Anon
"When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number."
-Anon
"Beware of sheep in sheep's clothing."
-Anon
"Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster's."
-Anon
"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
-Anon
"Skydiving...good 'till the last drop."
-Anon
"Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies."
-Anon
"Get the facts first, THEN panic!"
-Anon
"It's only fun if you can get in trouble
-Anon
"Reality can be beaten with enough imagination."
-Anon
"The reward for a job well done is more work."
-Anon
"The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink."
-Anon
"Patience will come to he who waits for it."
-Anon
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."
-Anon
"Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
-Anon
"Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for."
-Anon
"Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid."
-Anon
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
-Anon
"When in doubt, give advice."
-Anon
"After all is said and done, usually more is said."
-Anon
"All that glitters has a high refractive index."
-Anon
"Three can keep a secret, if two are dead."
-Anon
"Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools."
-Anon
"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first."
-Anon
"LSD melts your mind, not in your hand."
-Anon
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."
-Anon
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."
-Anon
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery."
-Anon
"The bigger they are, the harder they hit."
-Anon
"The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know."
-Anon
"Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up."
-Anon
"Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead."
-Anon
"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
-Anon
"Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do."
-Anon
"A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame."
-Anon
"People who live in glass houses...shouldn't."
-Anon
"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
-Anon
"Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again."
-Anon
"Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job."
-Anon
"The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger."
-Anon
"If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution."
-Anon
"Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Anon
"Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines."
-Anon
"A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken."
-Anon
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."
-Anon
"Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up."
-Anon
"Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye."
-Anon
"The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line."
-Anon
"A man's house is his hassle."
-Anon
"Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep 'till noon."
-Anon
"Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses."
-Anon
"A little greed can get you lots of stuff."
-Anon
"After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat."
-Anon
"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
-Anon
"Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents."
-Anon
"Relax. Only dread one day at a time."
-Anon
"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
-Anon
"Beware the fury of a patient woman."
-Anon
"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."
-Anon
"Don't count your checks before they're cashed."
-Anon
"Common sense isn't."
-Anon
"Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written."
-Anon
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
-Anon
"Be alert...the world needs more lerts."
-Anon
"Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time."
-Anon
"Friends come and go but enemies accumulate."
-Anon
"For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong."
-Anon
"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."
-Anon
"If you can't speak softly, just use the stick."
-Anon
"Live long enough to be a problem to your kids."
-Anon
"Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass."
-Anon
"Gravity always wins."
-Anon
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
-Jimmy Buffett
"Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns."
-Anon
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
-Anon
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is
research."
-Anon
"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
-Anon
"If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there."
-Anon
"There is someone willing to argue about any point."
-I don't know, but I'll argue any attribution
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