IJMC - Jawelnofine!

Allow me to say it has been a long day. Tomorrow may be worse. I'll let 
you know tomorrow night. Although, I am happy to now have the daily IJMC 
posts along in my Palm III...of course, I'm easily amused. Anyway, I 
wanted to remind everyone that you need to vote tomorrow for Hanging 
Tough at the MTV site, http://www.mtv.com/mtv/tubescan/totalrequest2/ 
You have to vote *on* Wednesday, March 10, 1999 for the video, by going 
to the above website, click on "Play My Song", scroll to the bottom of 
the page you get, then click on "Other", and enter "New Kids on the 
Block" for the "Artist's Name" and "Hanging Tough" for the "Video Title". 
It'll take you a minute or two, and I'll put another reminder in tomorrow 
night's post for you. Let's rock MTV's world! Remember, Wednesday!  -dave






HOW MANY OFFICIAL LANGUAGES?  JAWELNOFINE!

A survival guide for visitors to South Africa.  You better read this, 
hey.

What is a braai?  It is the first thing you will be invited to when you 
visit South Africa.  A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take 
place whatever the weather.  So you will have to go even if it's 
raining like mad and hang of a cold.  At a braai you will be 
introduced to a substance known as mealiepap.  Read further for 
an explanation of "pap". Now that you know what a braai is, here 
are some other words and phrases you will encounter in South 
Africa, used by folk of all persuasions, genders and ethnic 
adherences.  You do need to know what they mean. Really.  

Ag.  This is one of the most useful South African words. 
Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used 
to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in:  "Ag, I 
don't know". Or a sense of resignation:  "Ag, I'll have some more 
pap then".  It can stand alone too as a signal of irritation or of 
pleasure.  

Biltong.  Similar to jerky, it is dried, salted meat and can be made 
from beef, ostrich, antelope or anything that was once alive and 
fairly large.  It is usual for expatriate South Africans to say: "What I 
really miss is my biltong, man".  

Bioscope.  Pronounced "byscope", its use is going out of fashion 
and in some urban areas, regrettably, it is being replaced by 
"movies" and"flicks".  Sometimes it is reduced to "bio" or 
"scopes".  But you may still be asked if you would like to go to the 
byscope.  

Blooming.  Pronounced "blimming", it is roughly equivalent to 
"helluva", as in:  "Ag, that pap I had at the braai made me blooming 
sick". For emphasis, "blooming" can be replaced by "bladdy" 
which, in turn, is a corruption of the Austrian "bloody".  

Cafe.  This is the generic term for convenience stores and is 
pronounced "caff" or "cayf".  Traditionally operated by people of 
Portuguese, Greek or Asian ancestry, it is a good place to buy 
smokes, biltong or the  Alka Seltzer you will need after trying pap 
at the braai.  

Dirtbin.  Self-explanatory, this is a garbage can.  It is also called a 
"rubbish bin".  If you refer to rubbish as "garbage" you will be 
considered blooming pretentious.  

Doll.  A term of affection between males and females, it is used 
mostly in the Johannesburg area.  A corrupted form of "darling",  it 
will be heard thus:  "Your turn to take out the dirtbin, Doll".  "But I 
took it out the last time, Doll".  "Well take the bladdy thing out 
again, Doll".  

Donner.  A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" 
(thunder). Prnounced "dorner", it means "beat up".  "Your rugby 
team can get donnered in a game, or your boss can donner you if 
you do a lousy job."  

Eina.  Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from 
the Afrikaans, means "ouch".  Pronounced "aynah", you can shout 
it out in sympathy when someone burns his finger on a hot potato 
at a braai.  

Fixed up.  This means "good".  An example is this exchange:  
"You don't have to take the dirtbin out, Doll;  I took it already". 
"Fixed up, Doll".  

Hang of.  This is the same as the American "heck of", as in:  "I 
have a hang of a headache" or "I had a hang of a good time at the 
braai".  

Hap.  Pronounced "ghup", this means "bite" and is used in the 
following fashion:  "Give me a hap of your apple.  Ag, please".  

Isit?  This is a great word in conversations.  Derived from the two 
words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to 
contribute if someone tells you at the braai:  "The Russians will 
succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic 
and respect for private ownership".  It is appropriate to respond by 
saying: "Isit?"  

Jawelnofine.  This is another conversation fall-back word. Derived 
from the four words "yes", "well", "no" and "fine", it means roughly 
"how about that".  If your bank manager tells you your account is 
overdrawn, you can say with confidence:  "jawelnofine".  

Jislaaik.  Pronounced "Yis-like", it is an expression of 
astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion 
people in China, a suitable comment is:  "Jislaaik, that's a hang of 
a lot of people, hey".  

Just now.  Universally used, it means "eventually" and sometimes 
"never".  If someone says he will do something "just now" it could 
be in 10 minutes or tomorrow.  Or maybe he won't do it at all.  

Lekker.  An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all 
language groups to express approval.  If you see someone of the 
opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim:  "Lekkerrr!" 
while drawing out the last syllable.  But that use is now thought 
politically incorrect in some areas.  

Sarmie.  Sandwich.  

Marmite.  Contrary to American disinformation, Marmite is not 
discarded axle grease.  Bought in small glass jars at supermarkets 
and cafes, Marmite is a salty vegetable extract and is the S.A. 
answer to peanute butter (American), or Vegimite (Australian).  
Generations have grown up with it on their school sarmies and, in 
turn, have inflicted it on their own children.  This process has been 
going on for so long now, Marmite has become unstoppable.  

No.  This word has many meanings in South Africa other than the 
opposite of "yes".  Your host at the braai is likely to say:  "No, I 
see your plate is empty.  You want some more pap?".  Another 
example; if the clerk in a shoe shop askes if she can help, you 
may reply: "No, I'm looking for some tackies".   This means:  "Yes, 
I'm looking for some tackies".  

Oke.  A "guy" or "chap" or "bloke".  If you quite like someone you 
can say:  "Ag, he is an OK oke".  Instead of "oke" you can also 
say "ou" which is pronounced "Oh".  

Pap.  Encountered at braais, pap is boiled corn meal.  Pronounced 
"pup" it has the appearance, consistency and, many say, the taste 
of moist Plaster of Paris.  Lots of South Africans pretend to like it. 
Eating pap is character building in the sense that one learns to grin 
and  bear adversity, rather like Americans in the South have grown 
spiritually by consuming grits.  In religious context, this process is 
called self-flagellation.  

Shame.  Like "No", this word can mean the opposite of its meaning 
in other parts of the world.  If someone shows you a baby, you can 
say: "Ag, shame".  This does not mean the baby is ugly, it means 
the baby is cute.  If the baby is ugly, it is more accurate to say: 
"Shame, hey". If the baby is truly hideous, it is appropriate to say: 
"Jislaaik".  This may not be appreciated by the baby's parents.  

Tackies.  These are sneakers or running shoes.  The word is also 
used to describe autmobile or truck tyres.  "Fat tackies" are big 
tyres, as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat tackies on your 
Volksie (VW), hey?"  

Vaalie.  These are the horde of creatures that descend on Cape 
Town once a year at Christmas time.  They traditionally drive Big 
Expensive Cars and are inevitably towing Venter Trailers which 
they store the kids in. In the New South Africa, they are also 
known as "Gauties", this word is derived from "Gauteng", which is 
where we wish they would all go back to.  Anyway, be nice to 
Animals, hug a Vaalie.  

Soppiekoppies.  Literal "Watch out for that si-    splatt!!!!" Coined 
by the Vaalies who descend on Durbs in the festive season, 
carrying their progeny on their shoulders.  Typically uttered 
everytime they come to a low hanging shop sign.  

Cape Doctor.  Older residents of Cape Town give this name to the 
south-easter which blows in summer months, usually forming a 
flat, rolling cloud over Table Mountain - the "table cloth" - and 
sometimes shutting down harbor operations.  It was called the 
Cape Doctor because oldtimers said it blew all of the city's bad air 
out to sea along with accumulated street garbage, discarded 
newspapers and suchlike.  

Veteran South African political reporter Brian Stuart, now with the 
Citizen and then with the Argus, achieved modest local fame by 
being the first known journalist to report that some seagulls fly 
backwards in strong south-easters.  That's news you can use when 
the Cape Doctor is visiting.  

Dummy.  If you find yourself in the company of a couple with a 
baby and the woman says, "pass me the dummy," she is not 
necessarily asking that you bring her husband to her.  She is 
referring to the rubber, nipple-like thing they stick in babies' mouths 
to shut them up. A dummy is a pacifier.   

Gogga.  This is an insect, a bug, and all three of the g's are 
pronounced as though you are about to spit.  South Africa is rich in 
goggas, some of them cute - like the harmless mantis and the 
intriguing stick insect - but others are disgraceful.  The cockroach 
is the most disgraceful, especially when they fly.  Natal has some 
monsters which could challenge Florida roaches any day.  In its 
early days, the country's state-run TV service earned the enmity of 
viewers by scheduling a documentary on cockroaches at a time 
when millions of South Africans were sitting down in front of their 
sets with their Sunday evening meals on their laps.  A highlight 
was how to dissect a cockroach.  It did not go down well with the 
Sunday lunch leftovers. A dissected cockroach is even more 
disgraceful than a whole one.  

Guava.  Everybody knows that a guava is a fruit - and a bladdy 
lekker one too.  It is especially nice stewed and served cold with 
smooth custard, as lots of boarding school students will affirm.  
Guava juice is refreshing at breakfast.  But in South Africa a guava 
is also a backside, a butt, a bum.  If someone is behaving in an 
annoying manner, you can threaten to "skop (kick) him up his 
guava".  But it is inappropriate and politically incorrect to issue this 
warning to someone who is not a good friend.  It will be taken 
amiss.  Also, it is not polite to laugh if the Cape Doctor bowls a 
stranger over on to his or her guava.  

Lappie.  A lappie (pronounced "luppy") is a cloth, a rag, used to 
wipe up a mess.  You will find it in a machine shop to clean up oil 
spills, in a bar to wipe away spilled beer, or in the nursery where a 
baby who is munching a rusk (a hard biscuit found in every 
household) needs  its face and hands hosed down and lappied 
every three minutes. All babies look like Winston Churchill and all 
smell of rusks.  

Make A Plan.  You will hear this good old South African phrase 
quite a lot.  It means things might be screwed right now but we'll 
think of something just now.  If you miss the bus to the airport, the 
hotel receptionist may say, "Don't worry man - we'll make a plan".  
If that plan includes the hiring of a taxi, you may want to think 
twice about it.  

Skinder, Skinner, Skinnerbek.  Gossip is one of life's little 
pleasures, and that is what "skinder" is - gossip.  The word is 
usually pronounced without a hard "d" and most people will simply 
call it "skinner".  A "skinnerbek" is someone who does it a lot, 
commonly without paying too much attention to the facts.  Such a 
person can be very popular at office tea breaks, at parties and 
other social gatherings - unless the skinner is about you, in which 
case the skinnerbek is a louse who deserves a skop up the guava.  

Skop, Skiet en Donder.  Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in 
Afrikaans, this phrase is used by many English speakers to 
describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat 
primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en 
donder flick.  

Snoep. This is a favourite word, and it is used by all language 
groups throughout the land.  Pronounced "snoop" with a short "oo" 
sound as in "book", it means stingy, mean, selfish.  Be discreet 
about using it. For example, it may not be a good idea to say to 
your bank manager: "Unless I am granted this loan I shall have to 
conclude that this bank is snoep".  That won't help your cause.  
Sometimes people use this word when they fuss over their friends' 
infant children: "Don't be so snoep with a kiss - gimme a big one".  

Stroppy.  This word means pugnacious, difficult, aggressive, and it 
can be used appropriately at any level of conversation.  For 
instance, a child who refuses to eat his stewed guavas can be 
described as stroppy. Or you may overhear the following comment 
during a discussion on international affairs:  "This Saddam Hussein 
- he's a real stroppy ou. But he better watch out because these 
Yanks are not snoep with their missiles and he could fall on his 
guava.  Big time".  

Vrot.  A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in  
Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything 
they really don't like.  Most commonly it describes fruit or 
vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies 
(sneakers) worn a few times too often can be termed vrot by 
unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer.  Also a rugby 
player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a 
vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it.  We 
once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot". 
We enjoyed the headline more than the movie.