IJMC Doublespeak

                       IJMC - Doublespeak

Something about a 17 hour long "nap" that helps put perspective on 
things. Nothing like losing almost a full day to remind you what each day 
should be. And in my case, sleeping away a full day is someting more days 
should be filled with. So long as the day after I get to go out and play 
a lot...and guess what. I get to.                                   -dave






Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak: 
    
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded
the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his
wellness potential." 

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of
Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 
    
The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket
boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon
surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure
threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words,
if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not
likely to survive. 
     
A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed
anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 
     
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics
were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 
    
A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly
single man" seeks a single or married woman. 
  
After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of
film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the
handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were
involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a
particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the
films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go
back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve
replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. 
    
The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato
Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients,
however, includes "cooked noodle product." 
     
In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique" 
rugs. 
     
The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students
to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation. 
   
Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our (He's right on
this-see Gen. 9:6) society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." 
    
Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public
Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government
agency. 
     
It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically
experienced citizens." 
     
According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a
case of "uncontained blade liberation." 


IJMC June 1999 Archives