IJMC - Bible Misquotes

The Bible. Formerly one thousand and one interpretations. Now, one 
thousand and two.

Ok, if anyone can tell me what line I just mauled to put that together, 
I'm gonna be really impressed. If no one does in the next few days, I'll 
let ya'll know what line I mauled and where it's from. I'll give you a 
small hint, it's from one of my favorite movies of all time (and it isn't 
Sneakers, sorry Cathy...that's another favorite of course...).      -dave



Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out 
   a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle:
   "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out 
   Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were 
   rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were 
   kicked out? 
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived 
   in Eden? 
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let
   light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he
   proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and
   proceeded to smash me."

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's's court.

Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty
   years.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.