IJMC - Titanic Movie Spoiler

Ok, strict warning...if you haven't seen the movie and you plan to, don't 
read this IJMC post! Really, I mean it. I don't want to hear from a 
single person that they read this and now the movie will be ruined for 
them! Granted, given how many people are watching that movie numerous 
times, they're obviously not going back for the suspenseful, previously 
unknown ending...                                                   -dave











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        Really, I mean it. Don't read it if you haven't seen the 
        movie and you still want to!                       -dave
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Titanic 5-minute spoiler

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will
amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because
they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are
very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
the boat sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps
I'll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we
hate you!  Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming
between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is
only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

***

(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I
am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience
forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my
fiance were to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at
all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks
the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in
Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

***

(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (silence)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

***

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE: That is terrible

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more 
immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going
to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling
with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
mentioned previously. 

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and
save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

***

(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been
for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and
not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath.
Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with
your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr.
Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you
in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! 

(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
-Nat Baldwin

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the 
inexpressible is music.