IJMC - Watch Out, This One's Bad

This one goes out with a dedication to Matt...for all that you do, this 
pun's for you.                                                    -dave









1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just
have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a
big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter,  "What's with the hubcap?"  The
waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One
says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you
sure?"  "Yeah, I'm positive!"

8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.   After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them  to disperse.  "But
why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open  foyer."

10. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the
end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in
at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a
hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm  sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a
hickory daiquiri, doc."

11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of the
jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. 
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams.  First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam;  then I'm a tepee;
then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's  wrong with me?" The
doctor replies: "It's very simple.  You're two tents."

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells  her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are
twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."