IJMC - Chrisitanity as a Parable

I'm just going to leave the warning that was attached to this attached,=20
so read and do with it as you will. If you think you'll be offended, just=
=20
don't read it...it's really that simple.                            -dave







WARNING:  What follows may be considered blasphemous, sacriligious, and/or
heretical to devout Christians.  If your sensibilities are offended by such=
,
please read NO FURTHER.

Most other people will find it a damn funny parody of the dominant
religion in our society.=20

____

John & Mary's Big Deal

By Jim Huber. =20

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found=
 a
well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:=20

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."=20

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."=20

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I wa=
nt
to kiss his ass?"=20

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you
don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."=20

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"=20

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank own=
s
this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a
million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."=20

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."=20

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollar=
s?
Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"=20

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."=20

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."=20

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"=20

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."=20

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"=20

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."=20

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"=20

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money,
and
he kicks the shit out of you."=20

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the milli=
on
dollars?"=20

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and =
I'm
sure she got the money."=20

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"=20

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."=20

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've ne=
ver
talked to anyone who got the money?"=20

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a
raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty doll=
ar
bill on the street."=20

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?=20

John: "Hank has certain =91connections.'"=20

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."=20

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."=20

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from
him..."=20

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."=20

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"=20

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times=
 we
kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."=20

Me: "Who's Karl?"=20

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank'=
s
ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."=20

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that
Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"=20

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the wh=
ole
thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."=20

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl
letterhead. There were eleven items listed:=20

       1.Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leav=
e
         town.=20
       2.Use alcohol in moderation.=20
       3.Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.=20
       4.Eat right.=20
       5.Hank dictated this list himself.=20
       6.The moon is made of green cheese.=20
       7.Everything Hank says is right.=20
       8.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.=20
       9.Don't drink.=20
      10.Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.=20
      11.Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.=20

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."=20

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."=20

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting=
."=20

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."=20

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"=20

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."=20

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropis=
t
kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"=20

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."=20

Me: "How do you figure that?"=20

Mary: "Item 7 says =91Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough f=
or
me!"=20

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."=20

John: "No way! Item 5 says =91Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, it=
em 2
says =91Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says =91Eat right,' and item 8 s=
ays
=91Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those thing=
s are
right, so the rest must be true, too."=20

Me: "But 9 says =91Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 =
says
=91The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."=20

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far=
 as
6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."=20

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
rock..."=20

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of
space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."=20

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came fr=
om
the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came fro=
m
doesn't make it cheese."=20

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Ha=
nk
is always right!"=20

Me: "We do?"=20

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."=20

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list i=
s
right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because t=
he
list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying =91Hank's rig=
ht
because he says he's right.'"=20

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around =
to
Hank's way of thinking."=20

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"=20

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way.
Anything else is wrong."=20

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"=20

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."=20

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"=20

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such
language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"=20

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would b=
e
out of the question?"=20

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la,=
 la
la, la la la."=20

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."=
=20

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."=20

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I
wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be
there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you
bunless cut-wienered  kraut-eater."=20

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.=20