IJMC - Where's the CV?

Ok, so a better question is, "What's a CV?" I can guess from inference, 
but I dunno. Someone tell me, ok?                                 -dave







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These are from actual CVs (allegedly):

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of 
my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity and I can act 
on short notice.  I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history.  I've made money and lost 
money.  I've been rich and I've been poor.  I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.  I have never 
quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children.  I don't require prescription 
drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often.  Children: Various."

CV BLOOMERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsiblity makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8.45 every morning. 
Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as 
cockroaches."

"I was working for my Mum until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly 
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the 
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately 
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as 
the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5.30 because I am self-employed and my employer does 
not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in 
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood.  14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."