IJMC - The HMO Co-Dependency Plan

I'm scared to think that some group like Blue-Cross/Blue-Shield or Kaiser 
Permanente (Kaiser Souse?) might read this and think, "hey, this is a 
great idea, now we just need to keep from letting the Government do it!" 
Oi, what a bad idea. But a good joke, so read on!                   -dave

P.S. Anyone know where I can get a demo/trial version of a good Win 3.x 
3D design program? Thanks!



     
Managed Caring(tm)
By Richard Liebmann-Smith
(an editor of American Health Magazine)
     
    Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship.  The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages 
of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving 
features.
     
How does it work?
    Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers.  All of your friendship 
needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
     
What's wrong with my friends?
    If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship
Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based 
on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly 
duplication, inefficiency and conflict.  Some Providers may not meet 
national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, 
outmoded, or experimental behavior.  Under Managed Caring(tm), your 
friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who 
Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.
     
How do I know these aren't just a bunch of losers who can't make 
friends on their own?
    Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) 
in a cost-effective way.  They have joined our network because they 
want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their 
resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have 
sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing.  
Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
     
What if I need a Special Friend, say for poker or fishing?
    Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional 
Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing.  By training, experience, and 
by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is 
qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed 
Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or 
her excellent training.
     
Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm) network? 
Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them ?
    No.  The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
     
What's that?
    The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours
a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a 
friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is 
Caring(tm) for someone else.  You may be on a business trip and find 
yourself lonely.  In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all 
appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency 
Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us 
within two business days.
     
What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan?
    Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited
to):  Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging 
out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, 
partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, 
patting your back.
     
Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the Plan ?
    Yes.  Ineligible services include (but are not limited to):
drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums 
in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty 
jokes, and sex.
     
How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered?
    If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on
your Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of 
the proposed Procedure.  All appropriate Procedures will be approved 
for coverage within 24 business hours.
     
But who decides what's appropriate for me?
    We do.  Isn't that what friends are for?