IJMC - Would the Real Steven Wright Please Stand Up?

You know how when you have a headache and you go to bed and wake up with 
the same headache the next day? I'm like that all the time.        -dave

(Day 6 of Headache Dave, it seems to have left around mid-day. Maybe it 
went to get a milkshake. Maybe it will bring me one when it returns.)





******************************************************************************

STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES


--- big picture ---

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were
here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


--- banks ---

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
time.


--- museums ---

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With
Pail...Kitten On Fire.


--- restaurants ---

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food
you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.


--- stores ---

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If
I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She
said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different
print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.


--- appliances ---

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't
get it...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.


--- telephones ---

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why
haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new
phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said,
"I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think
so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish
go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme
another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."


--- apartments ---

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.

I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me
are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried
to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me
all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the
store."

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom.
They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my
roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"


--- houses ---

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over
a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come
over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I
never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on
my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
house.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was
teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If
you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of
my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I
said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got
out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.


--- cars and driving ---

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow
glance upward)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on
the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people
must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole
car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I
wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour,
who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
entire area was missing.


--- sleeping ---

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I
went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go
to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there and write misspelled words on them.


--- socks ---

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at
me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said,
"Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."


--- records ---

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and
went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter
in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."


--- fishing ---

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.


--- dogs ---

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.


--- chemistry ---

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his
glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.


--- childhood ---

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet
for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear
this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child...eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a
gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the
street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole
third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the
shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took
advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find
tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark
until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in
the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets
older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.


--- not-all-there ---

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are
closed? I'm like that all the time.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so
far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so
far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't
doing what I was doing.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago...no, it was yesterday. Today I...No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.


--- suicide ---

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed
my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my
feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to
the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.


--- books ---

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912...Well, to make a long story short...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.


--- miscellaneous one-liners ---

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I lost a button hole today.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I washed mud, off of mud.

I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

"So, do you live around here often?"

Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


--- miscellaneous ---

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to
cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I
saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked,
"What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even
know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems
to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said
I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
pushed "1" and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He
said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I
looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up
and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"...I
said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan
director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17
payments, and the university you attended said that they received none
of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened
to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I
gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a
nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me
again."

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were
they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty
good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of
milkmen.

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
in.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much
better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but
she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she
could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
said, "the whole time."

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces
on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a
bridge...you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was
another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself.
Then I quit.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a
coathanger.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1
mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a
full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then
I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the
floor, then lifts it)...gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they
scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he*
was watching was better.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him.
The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking
through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said,
"Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George,
here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand
dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint
made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.  


___________________________________



Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes[original; edited]

Here are my categories, with examples (his):

ENGLISH:

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a
spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the
headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I
don't want your job."

SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice
until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the
lake.

WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in
a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be
ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

SELF:

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the
time.

NAAAHH:

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

TRIVIALIZATION:

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them
away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the
same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them
looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can
guess what he told me.

___________________________________


These are "fake" Steven Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the
stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks
he can get me five.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I
couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you
eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the
floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light
on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part
of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What
are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something
on.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?