IJMC - Microsoft Code (Copywrite Violation)

You don't have to be a programmer to understand this bit of code. I find 
it appropriate to post tonight after a good friend of mine installed 
Windows 95 on his computer. Just remember, it's easier to use.     -dave





 A little micro-humor.
 
  Look what we've intercepted from Microsoft after a week of hard-
  hacking their computer system:
 
  Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
 
  #include <nonsense.h
  #include <lies.h
  #include <spyware.h/* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
  #include <process.h/* For the court of law */
 
  #define say(x) lie(x)
  #define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
  #define soon way_in_the_future
  #define next_year soon
  #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version
 
  void main()
  {
    if (latest_window_version one_month_old)
    {
      if (there_are_still_bugs)
        market(bugfix);
      if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
        raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call,
                                                      in lie.h */
      if (rumours_grow_wilder)
        make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
      if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
      {
        market_time=ripe;
        say("It will be ready in one month);
        order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
        order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
        order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
        vapourware=TRUE;
        break;
       }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
       case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
         say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
         break;
      case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
         say("Yes it will work");
         ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
         pretend(there_is_no_problem);
         break;
       case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
         say("It will run on an 8086 with lightning speed due to"
             " the 32-bit architecture");
         inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
         inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 meg");
         inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
         get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
         break;
       case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
         say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
         register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
         when(time_is_ripe)
         {
           arrest(journalist);
           brainwash(journalist);
           when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
           {
             order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
            release (journalist);
           }
         }
         break;
     }
     while (vapourware)
     {
       introduction_date++; /* Delay */
       if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
         break;
       say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
      bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
      release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
      introduce(more_memory_requirements);
      if (customers_report_installation_problems)
      {
        say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
        if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
        {
          ignore(customer);
          order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this 
                b*stard");
        }
      }
 
  /* one if statement censured by management */
 
      if (there_is_another_company)
      {
        steal(their_ideas);
        accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
        hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
        wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
        buy_out(other_company);
      }
    }
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are angry at us 
 */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_b*stard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_to_wait_year_after_year_
    for_another_unfinished_version);
  }
 
  void bugfix(void)
  {
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
      say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complains)
    {
      ignore(customer);
      register(customer, big_Bill_book);
      /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */
    }
  }