IJMC - No Warranty Included

This is just to remind you that the IJMC comes with no warranty any 
better than the one below. That is not to say that the one below 
constitutes any part or form of the IJMC warranty. Nor does the IJMC 
preclude the right to adopt any part or all of the belowmentioned 
warranty as its own. Aren't you glad my uncle will no longer be a lawyer 
in about 6 years? Whew, so much for being too exhausted to actually 
attempt to be witty...goodnight, I'm going to go pass out.         -dave




No warranties expressed or implied...
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   I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it 
   arrived with this article in the packaging.  No kidding!

          IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE 

     Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
     would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 
     you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
     maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to: 

     PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
 UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND 
 PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR
 CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
 VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS
 FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 
 RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

     We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
     always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that 
     the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. 
     So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that 
     your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. 
     OK?  Now let's talk about:

     1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

     The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, 
     who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

     PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
 ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE 
 SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

     Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of 
     engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
     backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a 
     bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
     question.  It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is 
     "Barker", if you get our drift.

     WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF 
 THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

     If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing 
     one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
     manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern 
     Europe.

     Besides the device, the box should contain: 

     * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
     * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets 
     and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

     YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 
     cable.

     IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 
     spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
     car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 
     without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's 
     why."

     WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not 
     Pete.

     2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

     The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
     electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
     effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current 
     to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, 
     then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device 
     is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of 
     Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

     DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

     Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, 
     and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

     WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP 
 OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS 
 THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

     3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

     WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL 
 WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
 INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
 RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF 
  "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

     INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising 
     that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.
     Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
     occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a 
     very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
     Drawing B.

     4. WARRANTY

     Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding 
     all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all 
     defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
     Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
     Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our 
     Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals 
     designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover 
     the attractive designer case.

     WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER 
 HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.