IJMC - Time To Get In Trouble
I've been wanting to send this one out for a while, so I think it is
appropriate for tonight. Mainly because I've got a week for everyone to
calm down before I have to send anything else out...it's just a tad
chauvinistic...but then so have other things I've sent before and the
ratio of vs. female to vs. male has been in the female's court so far.
Besides, as a currently (and probably for a while after this) single
male, I thought this was great. Enjoy! -dave
P.S. To all those who emailed me about last night's post:
a. I'm not fleeing to Austrailia.
b. It will be nice to have cell-mates.
c. You should be able to find the complete text of the new law on
the Electronic Frontier Foundation's web site (http://www.eff.org/
I think, I'm reciting from memory, not bookmark)
d. I know it probably cannot be enforced, I'm mainly afraid of what
happens if they use the new law in high-publicity cases.
e. Yes, I think several web sites do look better in white on black.
f. I had my drink, it was a white russian. I had several more tonight,
but that was because I'm moving tomorrow, not because of the law.
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports
reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have
changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for
girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided
another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you
need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large
part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you
want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking
partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying
your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a
girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course,
how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by
your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good
looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor,
you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.
On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing
power in mind when considering your selection. Although the
salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does
not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the
required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
-------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether
to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question
will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in
the following table:
Your age Used or New
-------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)
Notes: A: Seek psychiatric help!
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year.
Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous
bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they
will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account.
Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable
performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises
that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
-----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a
tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high
markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc.
Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as
models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run
10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make
a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note
that some accessories (such as children) can be added later,
while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
-------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The
test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which
can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to
the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the
arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you,
Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look
better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and
acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how
fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag?
Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience,
and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model
and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory
is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years
(depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the
usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
-----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population.
All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test
facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and
at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A
series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according
to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
-------
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.
Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
-------- ---------------------------------------------------
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes
equipped with all the options you want and none of
the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of
philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball,
understand what you mean even if you don't say it,
and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups.
The drawback is that this model is not actually
available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes
with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic
ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father,
and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey
hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair
color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
investment. Availability is extremely limited but
can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all
the options. Unfortunately this model lacks
cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for
a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for
your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind
but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability
is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely
available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a
pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be
spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
Ask not what your country can do for you,
Ask what you can do for your country.
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