IJMC - For Music Lovers Everywhere

   I'll let you know now, this passed my desk(top) with the line "this is 
a really bad joke" written over it by the submitter. That's what it is, 
and that's what you get. It's humorous none the less, and wonderful for 
dropping on co-workers or classmates a few days later...            -dave




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The world's best, and most famous conductor makes a small mistake
while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew
he'd made the mistake, and decided that he should retire. Once
the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience, and
said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world
class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra
too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage,
only to be met by his manager, standing in between to gorilla-sized
bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not
retiring."

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of
conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night
with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would
you be able to get me a small hand-gun?"
"Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the
small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had
finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my
retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't
be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot
the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived, and
the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to
the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired.
"Guilty your honour", the conductor replied.
"Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this
state is death by electrificution?", the judge added.
The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that
death would surely be better than continuing on like he was.
"Yes your honour", the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards
came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request
before we terminate your life. What would you like?"
After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver
platter with a dozen bananas."
His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas.
The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's
hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about the flick
the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair, and the law
says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager,
and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager
said.

More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one
night with wife, he asked "Dear, could get me a grenade?"
"Yes dear", she replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of
the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the
third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he yelled. The
conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into
the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the
crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?", the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to
death not long ago?"
The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you plead to 23 counts of
first degree murder?", the judge said.
"Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage and the
current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another
last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his
answer. He scoffed the bananas, the room was evacuated, and the
switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him
this time, but their fears were realised when the conductor
regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.
His manager, and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting
for him as his left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could
take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked
his wife as they lay in bed.
"Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait
for the concert to start. "Go to hell!" he screamed, and
launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing
all 190 odd band members. The army was called in this time, and
he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the
judge roared. The conductor just shrugged.
"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"
"Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the bastards deserved it!"
The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning
that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities'
electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they
could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted
a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.
He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the
electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres
away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished
through the ruins, to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later, and as the casket was being
lowered into the grave, they was a knock on the coffin lid. People
fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin, alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and
asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you 
do it?"  "I've tried telling people before", he said.

"I'm just a bad conductor."