IJMC - What Can I Say

According to George Carlin, I can say just about anything other than seven
words. According to my track record in 2001 with the International Junk
Mail Clearinghouse I cannot say nearly that much. I bet most of you
figured you would never hear from me again, no? Well. Once again. I. Am.
Back. Cheating a bit too, but then no one should ever notice. Woo-hoo!
Feels good to send a post out, hope it feels good on the receiving
end. Cause I am gonna say it once more, for the folks in the back row: I
am back! More to come in the days and weeks to follow...             -dave



From a buddy back at GATF!

Subject: The new Los Alamos
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor
difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a
bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic
table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the
vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad
sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer
be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be
reversed.  Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and
mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without
proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a
stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The
stickers will be available at the front desk.

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be
hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com,
www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites
will be maintained, however.

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no
longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers
at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the
cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to
"keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of
plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects
around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with
their science fair projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational
use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the
Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you,
but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that
have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2
hours of the week!

Sincerely,
Bill