IJMC - US Presidential Debate Transcript

I think we have a winner here. Tonight's post picks on *both* Al Gore and
George W. Bush. Granted, I am sure someone will still be offended. Ahh
well, I seem to recall hearing once, "You can offend some of the people
all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you gotta
really try to offend all of the people all of the time." Or maybe I just
made that one up. Dunno, just know I am in a bouncy-happy-techno mood
right now. Werkz fer me.                                            -dave




Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on
these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question
and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women
voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to
frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has
expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of
a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that
strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut
taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.=A0I, on the other hand, want
to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt
old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for
gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me.
Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.=A0I wan=
t
to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able
to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would
tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to
make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to
deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison
gas in World War I.=A0I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War.=A0And
when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a
way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted
with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any
threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox.
Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with
simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to
every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion
over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who
will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to
reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night