IJMC - Ahh, For A Night Of Theatre

Having seen one ballet, a play, and the whole office drama in the last 
three days...I am glad to present this little text. Which, according to 
the final line, qualifies as art.                                 -dave








Theatre definitions:

Eternity - The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line. 

Prop - A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30
seconds before it is needed on stage. 

Director - The individual who suffers from the dillusion that he or she is
responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the
local review. 

Blocking - The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not
to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit, or each
other.  Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to argue with
you. 

Blocking Rehearsal - A rehearsal taking place early in the production
schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be
nowhere in evidence by opening night. 

Quality Theatre - Any show which you are directly involved in

Turkey - Every show with which you were not directly involved in.

Dress Rehearsal - Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors
attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at
7:30 that evening. 

Tech Week - The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed
to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches
its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack
catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown.  Also known as hell
week. 

Set - An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies
the law of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to
occupy the same amount of space. 

Monologue - The shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor
who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him. 

Dark Night - The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so
the actors and the crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and
instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're
sure they needed one more rehearsal. 

Bit Part - An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count
everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the
smallest part in the show. 

Green Room - Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go onstage and the
precocious children whose actor parents couldn't find a baby-sitter that
night, a situation which can result in justifiable homicide. 

Dark spot - An area of the stage which the lighting designer has
inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for
the first time actor.  A dark spot is never evident before opening night. 

Hands - Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's
environment, except on stage, where they grow six times their normal size
and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your
pockets. 

Stage Manager - Individual responsible for overseeing the crew,
supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the
director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just
decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks
while he serves tea. 

Lighting Director - Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a
full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by
announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong. 

Costume Designer- Person responsible for upholstering a myriad of actors,
all of whom are earnestly convinced both A. that they, the actor, gets an
opinion, and B. that the director does. 

Wardrobe personnel- Directly responsible for the cleansing of buckets of
flopsweat from fabric, the massaging of egos "No, you look great in
that.", and the location of every costume piece the actor was responsible
for presetting ten seconds before the actor flies off stage for a five
second quick change from ten years old to an old Mandarin gentleman. 

Make-up kit - (1) among the experienced actors, a battered tackle box
loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of
desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins,
braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg
greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough
drops.  (2) for the first time male actors, a helpless look and anything
they can borrow. 

Makeup artist- the person responsible at great expense for keeping actors
from drawing their own tiny lines on their faces. 

The Forebrain - The part of an actors brain which contains lines,
blocking, and characterization; activated by hot lights. 

The Hindbrain - The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running
subtext in the background while the forebrain is trying to act; the
hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information, such as who
is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the
crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the
fake bloody marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday. 

Stage Crew - Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50
minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30 second bursts of
mindless panic. 

Message play - Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile,"  "a
challenge to actors and audiences alike," or "designed to make the
audience think."  Critics will be impressed both by the daring material
and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all
to themselves. 

Bedroom Farce - Any play which requires various states of undress on stage
and whose set sports a lot of doors.  The lukewarm reviews, all of which
feature the phrase "typical theatre fare" in the opening paragraph, are
allowed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances
to accommodate the overflow crowds. 

Assistant Director - Individual willing to undertake special projects that
nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the
brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a
contract on. 

Set piece - Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use
as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent
attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating
off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually
have legs. 

Strike - The time immediately following the last performance while all
cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle, or watch the two
people who own Makita screw drivers dismantle the set. 

Actors (defined by a set designer) - People who stand between the audience
and the set designers art, blocking the view.  That's also the origin of
the word "blocking," by the way. 

Actors (another definition) - Those bumbling people who trip over all the
cables the tech crew has placed on the stage floor.  They are also the
ones who don't know what a sill iron is and, therefore, trip over it when
making an entrance or exit. 

Stage right, Stage left - Two simple directions that actors pretend not to
understand in order to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, no, your other
stage right!")



"Just remember: It's only community theatre until it offends someone...

...then its ART!"