IJMC - Belated St. Paddie's Day Guide

Some things are still funny after the event passes. I suspect a lot of 
you will get nothing out of this. For the rest of you...like me...this 
one will have you snorting your beverage through your nose. I finished 
reading this one and wanted to break out into song...something about an 
Irishman and a kilt...                                            -dave

P.S. Uh, there is a little, shall we say, inappropriate language below.




[note: I have to say, it's really funny how they spell poser with a u]

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. However,
while we appreciate that those who aren't Irish wish to join in
celebrating the day St. Patrick who drove the serpents out of Ireland
using only the power of God, a quart of Jameson and weapons-grade
irradiated cobalt, the way most people observe St. Patrick's Day is
offensive and disrespectful. There's nothing more pathetic than some fat
Polack swilling seven Buds mixed with carcinogenic green dye drunkenly
arguing that INXS is "authentic Irish music" just before barfing into a
plate of corned beef and cabbage. Let's face it: most people are in no
condition to handle the all-day drunk of St. Patrick's Day. However, if
you follow this simple blueprint, you can enjoy St. Patrick Day with no
fear that anyone will think you're not from the Auld Sod even if your name
is Amhed Al Jihad. 

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use
aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by
3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without
proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.
Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will
easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the
bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's
where you'll probably end up: 1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5
pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1
oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac
needles 1 trauma surgeon. Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson
Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally
throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish
Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants
throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. 

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot
stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to
chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you
have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf. 

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if
at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since
Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in
America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty
Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by
Koreans. 

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is
liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do no wait in line for
drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of
an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter.
By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your
mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of
vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike
the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as
you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and
a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while
putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask
the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to
your day like the occasional whippet. 

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: Man drink
like that, and don't eat, he is going to die. If you want to maintain your
buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your
drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the
carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess
bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you
start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening
phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant:
"You're cut off". 

By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one
option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but
remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring. 

Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail
out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the
bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now,
you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person
you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational
points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means
Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your
wife or husband AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards
who should be lined up and kicked into the liffey. If you remember those
two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher,
you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness
throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if
your heartbeat has become irregular. 

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing
time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50
usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The
only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor
is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who
you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will
be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since
the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen
minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final
impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from
the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You
will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should
have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. 

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and
biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. 

Tune in next month for our next self- help guide:
The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.