IJMC You Know You're in Phoenix

                    IJMC - You Know You're in Phoenix

I remember hearing things about 100 degrees in the shade. I stayed away 
from Phoenix. After reading this, I think I was correct to do so. If you 
have not yet guessed, I am back home and things are back to normal. Still 
single and still not understanding women. However, my grandmother had a 
great 85th birthday so I think all is well in the wash.             -dave

 You know you're in Phoenix when....

  * You buy salsa by the quart.

  * Your Christmas decorations includes a half a yard of sand and 100
    paper bags.

  * You think that a red light is merely a suggestion.

  * You wish you bought stock in the orange barrel business.

  * All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but
    clear out come the end of April.

  * You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

  * Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name "El" or

  * You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

  * You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
    remember the name of the incumbent.

  * You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

  * Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

  * You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.

  * You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

  * You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt

  * You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

  * You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

  * Every other vehicle is a 4X4

  * You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100

  * Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

  * You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.

  * People break out coats when temperature drops below 70.

  * You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

  * The pool can be warmer than you are.

  * You can make sun tea instantly.

  * You can admit in a crowd that you voted for Nixon and would again and
    most of them will nod in agreement.

  * People will drive over a hundred miles just to see snow.

  * You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
    your fireplace.

  * Most people will not drink tap water unless they are under dire

  * Most homes will have more firearms then people.

  * Kids will ask "What's a mosquito?".

  * People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are
    automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

  * You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of

  * The AC is on your list of best friends.

  * Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 9:00

  * You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

  * You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

  * Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

  * You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro",  "Tempe", "Gila
    Bend",   "San   Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim",
    "Cholla", and Ajo.

  * It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
    moving on the streets.

  * You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

  * Sun screen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
    counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to
    go to Circle K.

  * Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will
    actually buy them.

  * Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than
    the air inside.

  * No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

IJMC September 1999 Archives