IJMC - It Is a Deluge of Humor, So Lighten Up

Ok, so I am a little late on the return...I think this would be 
absolutely hilarious if it went around the Internet a few times and just 
fell back into either Zak's or Fran's hands...so, I am sending it out, 
albeit with Zak's email address on it...read it, enjoy it, send it out 
with comments if you like...not a chain letter, simply coming from one 
who knows how often humor and practical jokes can circle this wide world 
we call the Internet...                                            -dave




From: Zachery Knight <dgenx@arches.uga.edu>
Subject: it's humor, so lighten up

i got this from a friend of mine who gets a kick out of rattlin' her
husbands and sons respective cages. so here is the plan as you get this
either read it, laugh and be done with it or add a comment or two either a
retort or an agreement whatever you feel like. then send it on to your
friends and back to me after awhile i will send an augmented version to
fran, she'll get a kick out of that. have at it.
 
 BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE!
 
 We got off the Titanic first.
 CAN'T DISAGREE THERE

 We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses..
 
 We never ejaculate prematurely.
 BUT DOWN SIDE IS THAT YOU DON'T ALWAYS CLIMAX EITHER

 We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,and are 	
 nice to us when we blow up our computers.
 
 When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.  When men buy a blow up doll it's
 pathetic.
 OR ART DEPENDING ON WHO SEES YOU DO IT

 Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like 	
 complete idiots in ours.
 SPEAK FOR YOURSELF 

 We can be groupies.  Male groupies are stalkers.
 
 We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
 
 We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a 
 computer game.
 THE TRUTH HURTS

 Taxis stop for us.
 TAXIS SUCK 

 Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
 
 We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
 
 Free drinks.  Free dinners.  Free movies (you get the point).
 
 We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
 
 We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
 
 We know The Truth about whether size matters.
 I KNOW THAT SECRET, LIKE SOMEONE ONCE SAID "YOU CAN'T MAKE BUTTER WITH A
 TOOTH PICK"
 
 New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 
 I THINK THAT WOULD HOLD TRUE FOR MEN TOO, ONLY IN A WHOLE DIFFERENT WAY

 If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the 
 devil.
 YOU ARE ASSUMING THAT WE CARE

 If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
 
 We can sleep our way to the top.
 YES, BE WE ARE WHO YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH [dave]
 
 Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
 
 It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
 BUT WHAT FUN WOULD THAT BE

 No fashion faus pas we make could rival The Speedo.
 TWO WORDS CAPRI PANTS AND I LOOK SMASHING IN SPEEDOS

 We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
 I WOULDN'T SOUND TOO PROUD OF THAT

 If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being
 emotionally neglected.
 NO, WE OVERLOOK IT BECAUSE WE WONDER IF YOU WILL SLEEP WITH US NEXT 

 WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
 1.AGIN YOU ARE ASSUMING THAT WE CARE
 2.YES YOU DO...EJACULATION IS NOT ORGASM EVERY TIME. [dave]

 If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
 IF WE FORGET TO SHAVE, WE OFTEN LOOK DASHING AND MASCULINE
 
 We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
 YOUR LOSS

 If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
 IF WE WERE THAT VAIN, WE WOULD CONCEAL IT TOO. NATURE HAPPENS. [dave]
 
 We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
 still there.
 AGAIN YOUR LOSS

 If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
 IF WE'RE DUMB, WE CAN BE VICE PRESIDENT. [dave]
 
 We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
 NOT REQUIRED, JUST A GOOD IDEA

 We have the ability to dress ourselves.
 
 We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
  
 We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them 
 naked.
 
 If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 
 IGNORANCE IS BLISS

 Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our 	
 teeth.
 
 There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
 
 Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
 GAY WAITERS MEAN ONCE LESS PERSON HITTING ON THE GIRL I AM LOOKING AT AT
 THE BAR

 We'll never regret piercing our ears.
 EVEN DURING THE INFECTIONS? 

 We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
 NOW THAT TRULY IS A LOST ART

 We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
 1.THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
 2.AND WE QUIT STUFFING SOCKS IN OUR SHORTS GENERATIONS AGO. LEARN TO COPE.
 
 We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
 I DO TOO

 We're NOT men.
 AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!

"this song is called 'my name is henry rollins and i'm a tired old woman'"
			-Henry Rollins