IJMC Children's Bible Quotes

                   IJMC - Children's Bible Quotes

You know, I rather think I like these kids' version of the bible better 
than the real thing...but that is just me...                      -dave

The following statements about the bible were written by children
and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has
been left in).
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

IJMC November 1999 Archives