IJMC - It's The End Of The World As We Know It...

...and after two strong rum'n'cokes, I feel fine...of course, I advicate 
smart drinking. Drink smartly, that way you don't have to drink as much 
to enjoy it. Or at least be able to roll out of bed and back up to the 
bar, or, uhm, I mean, be able to roll into bed without driving. Yeah, 
something like that. You know what I mean, or at least I hope you do, 
cause I'm not sure anymore I know what I mean. Anyway, the world's going 
to blow up, and in the middle of a spectator sport for crying out loud. I 
mean, couldn't it have been something I might have paid attention to? 
Hmm, what would that have been? Oh yeah, a party. Party, party!     -dave

P.S. Time to roll into bed, eh?






[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take
years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.]

8:00AM  - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to
          paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, 
          then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, 
          "Ha!"

8:02AM  - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13AM  - Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is
          the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and 
          bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04AM  - Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which
          continue to sell briskly.

9:45AM  - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40AM - Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague
          of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to 
          blood.

11:32AM - In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling".

11:47AM - Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood.

12 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray
          tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03PM - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off
          as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11PM  - Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46PM  - Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18PM  - Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally
          not giving a damn.

3:21PM  - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants
          and elderly.

4:56PM  - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20PM  - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12PM  - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts
          dating Baby Spice.

7:16PM  - Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27PM  - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

10:00PM - Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!

10:42PM - Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb.

11:30PM - God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to
          break up over the phone?).

12 MIDNIGHT - Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs 
          meet in the seventh game, and - with two out and the score tied 
          in the bottom of the ninth - the world blows up.

12:03AM - In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as
          Prince rename themselves "Susan."