IJMC Misc Bits Live Again

                     IJMC - Misc Bits Live Again

Ok, so I shouldn't be up til four am working. Then again, maybe I should. 
I've finished the major part of the work I wanted to do...so a bit of 
sleep and then tackle the rest of it tomorrow. Yeehaw. Keep your fingers 
crossed for me though...if my ADSL line goes down again like it did 
today, I'm in a bit of trouble. I mean, I might even have to use my old 
modem once more! Once you ADSL...you never wanna go back...        -dave

 What did the chair say to the termite?
 'You bore me!'
 What did the firefly say to another?
 'You glow girl!'
 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Another T-Shirt slogan

"If You Don't Believe in Santa Claus All You'll Get Is Underwear"

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

A man escapes from jail. As he is driving away in an old van he runs out
of gas. Having no money, he steals some paintings from a museum so he can
buy gasoline. 

When he is caught, he tries to explain to the police, "I needed de Monet
to buy Degas to make de Van Gogh." 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Two friends were sentenced to do time in jail. They checked in and got
settled, and right before bed time they heard "26" and then lots of
laughter. Then they heard "14" and lots of laughter.

   "What's going on?" they asked the person in the next cell.

 "The same jokes have been told so often that they just numbered them to
save time. You try it." 

   "21"  No one laughed. 

 "Try another one"

   "31" No one laughed. "What's wrong?" he asked the old timer.

 "Well, some people can tell 'em and some people can't. Have your friend
try it" 

      "88"  Everyone roared! 

   "What happened?" he asked the old timer.

 "That was a new one they never had heard before!" 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

True Stories??? :

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. put all your muny in this bag."  While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller window.  So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. 
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.  The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 


A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car.  He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. 


A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
car phone in it.  The policeman taking the report called the phone and
told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and
wanted to buy the car.  They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. 


R.C.G, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad
car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he
asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification.  He
gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and
moments later they arrested him because information on the screen showed
he was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. 


Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't
believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over, and agreed
that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. 

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.  The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got
off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later. 


A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.  The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him. 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Daily Affirmations:

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault. 

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all. 

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. 

- I am at one with my duality.  

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears. 

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."  

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. 
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. 

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them. 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

IJMC June 1999 Archives