IJMC - Musical Terminology for Country Musicians

I'm trying to recall if there's a bottle of Jack in the house even. So 
much time has passed since all the alcohol was in the bar, I hardly know 
what my stock is like right now. Time to take stock, return the alcohol 
to the bar, find an Internet alcohol shop, and suggest that you, my loyal 
readers, help me fill my bar. Or at least the first two parts, although I 
promise my nightly messages will become much more entertaining if the bar 
remains fully stocked...perhaps I should just promise that I'll think 
they're more entertaining...I might even have rhythm then too...    -dave



The Meanings of Music Terms for Country Music

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With
Their Translated "Country" Definitions:

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth    -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard           -- There's one in every family
Relative Major   -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor   -- A girlfriend
Big Band         -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo       -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat           -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble           -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass             -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento       -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor        -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio         -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose
			that grows?"
Tempo            -- Good choice for a used car
A 440            -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions   -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time         -- Parole
Order of Sharps  -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone     -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family
			barbecues
Middle C         -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food
			stamps are low
Perfect Pitch    -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba             -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another
			tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza          -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair
			off of when company comes
Whole Note       -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for
			a year
Clef             -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef        -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos            -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's
			toes," or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third      -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion
			of formal schooling
Melodic Minor    -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale    -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor
			trailer truck with
Quarter Tone     -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata           -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet         -- Name used on your second daughter if you've
			already used Betty Jo