IJMC - Music Slams

I stick by what I said last night about eurotechno. Quite simply, it 
kicks. Now then, the following kicks as well...right in the backseat of 
just about any musician. Allow me to say it starts off rude and just 
keeps going. Scary thing is, I used to play a couple of the instruments 
mentioned...and I agree with the comments...oh well. Rock on.     -dave






Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.

Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q. How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutists playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. Why do violinists leave viola cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you
   borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David
   Sanborn would have done it.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
   trombonist in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
   country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of bagpipes?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A. "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Q. Why are violists fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do violists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit in the back and don't play.

Q. How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
A. Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

Q. What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A. The cello burns longer.

Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the violists.

Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to climb the ladder, the second to pull it out from under 
   her, and the third to say she knew it was too high for her to reach.

Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.