IJMC - Really Sick Internet Tricks With the Declaration of Independence
What can I say, I'm just a glutton for punishment. I mean, dessert to me
means a couple of bananas and some yogurt and I'm worried there's too
much salt in my own soup. I'm not sleeping or exercising or studying or
working enough yet I'm not doing much of anything else. I guess I'm
emailing too much, but I'm trying to cut back. And then, to top it all
off, I send out something like this post, making fun of one of the most
sacred of American documents. Yeah, right, like America considers
anything sacred anymore...oh yeah, you can't pick on minorities or
religion too much yet, unless you're one of them. Oh well, as I say, life
goes on, and I'm here to take it. -dave
P.S. I just gotta say, this isn't the same as the Declaration of
Independence that I had which was bolded into a portrait of Lincoln.
Cathy Alexander, in her infinite wisdom, found this site:
You put in any web address and it converts the page into the dialect of
your choice. As part of my web pages, I have Thomas Jefferson's
Original Version of the Declaration of Independence on line.
Below is the soul/jive version of that esteemed document. You really
did think you were safe, didn't you.
In Congress July 4, 1776
De Unanimous Declarashun uh de Dirteen United States uh America
When in de course uh human events, it becomes necessary fo' one sucka's to
dissolve da damn political bands which gots connected dem wid anoder, and
t'assume among de powers uh de eard, de separate and equal stashun to
which de laws uh nature and uh nature's God entitle dem, some decent
respect t'de opinions uh mankind requires dat dey should declarede causes
which impel dem t'de separashun.
We hold dese truds t'be self-evident, dig dis: Dat all dudes are created
equal; dat dey is endowed by deir Creato' wid inherent and unalienable
rights; dat among dese is life, liberty, and da damn pursuit uh happiness;
dat, to secure dese rights, guv'ments is instituted among men, derivin'
deir plum powers fum de consent uh de governed; dat wheneva' any fo'm of
guv'ment becomes destructive uh dese ends, it be de right uh de sucka's
t'alta' o' t'abolish it, and t'institute new guv'ment, layin' its
foundashun on such principles, and o'ganizin' its powers in such fo'm, as
t'dem shall seem most likesly t'effect deir safety and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, gots'ta dictate dat guv'ments long established should
not be changed fo' light and transient causes; and acco'din'ly all
'espuh'ience had shown dat mankind is mo'e disposed t'suffer, while evils
is sufferable dan t'right demselves by abolishin' de fo'ms t'which dey is
accustomed. But when some long train uh abuses and usurpashuns, begun at
some distin'uished puh'iod and pursuin' invariably de same object, evinces
some design t'reduce dem unda' absolutedespotism, it be deir right, it be
deir duty, t'drow off such guv'ment, and t'provide new guards fo' deir
future security. Slap mah fro! Such gots been de patient sufferance uh
dese colonies; and such be now de necessity which constrains dem t''spunge
deir fo'ma' systems of guv'ment. De histo'y uh de present Kin' uh Great
Britain be a histo'y of unremittin' injuries and usurpashuns, among which
appears no solitary fact t'contradict da damn unifo'm terro' uh de rest,
but all gots in direct object da damn establishment uh an absolute tyranny
upside dese states. To prove dis, let facts be submitted t'a kindun did
wo'ld fo' de trud uh which we pledge some faid yet unsullied by falsehood.
He gots refused his assent t'laws, de most wholesome and necessary fo' de
He gots fo'bidden his governo's t'pass laws uh immediate and pressin'
impo'tance, unless suspended in deir opuh'shun till his assent should be
obtained; and, when so's suspended, he gots utterly neglected t'attend to
He gots refused t'pass oda' laws fo' de accommodashun uh large districts
of sucka's, unless dose sucka's would relinquish de right uh
representashun in de legislature, some right inestimable t'dem, and
fo'midable t'tyrants only. Slap mah fro!
He gots called togeda' legislative bodies at places unusual uncomfo'table,
and distant fum de deposito'y uh deir public reco'ds, fo' de sole purpose
of fatiguin' dem into compliance wid his measho' mans.
He gots dissolved representative cribs repeatedly and continually, fo'
opposin', wid manly firmness, his invasions on de rights uh de sucka's.
He gots refused fo' some long time, afta' such dissolushuns, t'cause oders
to be elected; whereby de legislative powers, incapable uh annihilashun,
have returned t'de sucka's at large fo' deir 'esercise; de state
remainin', in de mean time, 'esposed t'all de dangers uh invasions fum
widout and convulsions widin. 'S coo', bro.
He gots endeavo'ed t'prevent da damn populashun uh dese states; fo' dat
purpose obstructin' de laws fo' naturalizashun uh fo'eigners; refusin' to
pass oders t'encourage deir migrashun hider, and raisin' de condishuns of
new appropriashuns uh lands.
He gots suffered da damn administrashun uh justice, totally t'cease in
some of desestates refusin' his assent t'laws fo' establishin' judiciary
He gots made our judges dependent on his gots'ta alone, fo' de tenure of
deir offices, and da damn amount and payment uh deir salaries.
He gots erected some multitude uh new offices, by some self assumed powa'
and sent hida' swarms uh officers t'harass our sucka's and feed da bud out
He gots kep' among us, in times uh peace, standin' armies and ships of
war, widout da damn consent uh our legislatures.
He gots affected t'renda' de military independent of, and supuh'io' to, de
civil power. Ah be baaad...
He gots combined wid oders t'subject us t'a jurisdicshun fo'eign to our
Constitushun and unacknowledged by our laws, givin' his assent to deir
acts uh pretended legislashun:
Fo' quarterin' large bodies uh armed troops among us;
Fo' protectin' dem, by some mock trial, fum punishment fo' any murders
which dey should commit on de inhabitants uh dese states;
Fo' cuttin' off our trade wid all parts uh de wo'ld;
Fo' imposin' taxes on us widout our consent;
Fo' deprivin' us uh de benefits uh trial by jury;
Fo' transpo'tin' us beyond seas, t'be tried fo' pretended offenses;
Fo' abolishin' de free system uh English laws in some neighbo'in'
Destablishin' derein an arbitrary guv'ment, and enlargin' its boundaries,
so as t'renda' it at once an 'esample and fit instrument fo' introducin'
de same absolute rule into dese states;
Fo' takin' away our charters, abolishin' our most valuable laws, and
alterin' fundamentally de fo'ms uh our guv'ments;
Fo' suspendin' our own legislatures, and declarin' demselves invested wid
powa' to legislate fo' us in all cases whutsoever;
He gots abdicated guv'ment here, widdrawin' his governo's and declarin' us
out uh his allegiance and protecshun.
He gots plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and
destroyed da damn lives uh our sucka's.
He be at dis time transpo'tin' large armies uh fo'eign mercenaries to
complete da damn wo'ks uh dead, desolashun, and tyranny already begun wid
circumstances uh cruelty and, and totally unwo'dy de haid uh a civilized
He gots constrained our dude-citizens, snatchn captive on de high seas, to
bear arms against deir country, t'become da damn execushunersof deir
homeys and bredren, o' t'fall demselves by deir hands.
He gots endeavo'ed t'brin' on de inhabitants uh our frontiers de merciless
Indian savages, whose knode rule uh warfare be an undistin'uished
destrucshun of all ages, sexes, and condishuns uh existence.
He gots incited treasonable insurrecshun uh our dude citizensm whid
allurements uh fo'feiture and confiscashun uh our propuh'ty. Slap mah fro!
He gots waged Cruel war against human nature itself, violatin' its most
sacred rights uh life and liberty in de sucka's uh a distant sucka's who
neva' offended him, captivatin' and carryin' dem into slavery in anoder
hemisphere, o' t'incur miserable dead in deir transpo'tashun hider. Ah be
baaad... Dis piratical warfare, de opprobium uh Infidel powers, be de
warfare of de Christian kin' uh Great Britain. 'S coo', bro. Determines
t'keep jimmey a market where dudes should be bought and sold, he gots
prostituted his negative fo' suppressin' every legislative attempt
t'prohibit o' restrain de 'esecrable commerce. And dis assemblage uh
ho'ros might wants' no fact uh distin'uished die, he be now 'sitin' dose
real sucka's t'rise in arms among us, and to purchase dat liberty uh which
he gots deprived dem by murderin' de sucka's on whom he gots also obtruded
dem, dig dis: dus payin' off fo'ma' crimes committed against da damn
liberties uh one sucka's, wid crimes which he urges dem t'commit against
da damn lives uh anoder. Ah be baaad...
In every stage uh dese oppressions we gots petishuned fo' redress in de
most humble terms; our repeated petishuns gots been answered only by
repeated injury. Slap mah fro!
A prince, whose characta' is dus marked by every act which may define a
tyrant, be unfit t'be da damn rula' of some sucka's who mean t'be free.
Future ages gots'ta scarcely recon' de hardiness uh one joker adventured,
widin de sho't compass uh 12 years only, t'lay some foundashun so's broad
and so undisguised fo' tyranny upside a sucka's fostered and fixed in de
principles of freedom. WORD!
No' gots we been wants'in' in our attenshuns t'our British bredren. 'S
coo', bro. We gots warned dem, fum time t'time, uh attempts by deir
legislature to 'estend some jurisdicshun upside dese our states. We gots
reminded dem of de circumstances uh our emigrashun and settlement here, no
one uh which could warrent so's funky a pretenshun: dat dese wuz affected
at de 'spense uh our own blood and treasho' man, unassisted by de weald uh
de Strengd uh Great Britain, dig dis: dat in Constitutin' indeed our
several fo'ms of Guv'ment, we had adopted one common kin', dereby layin'
de foundashun fo' puh'petual league and amity wid dem, dig dis: but dat
submission t'deir parliament wuz no part uh our Constitushun, no' even in
idea, if histo'y may be credited, dig dis: and appealed t'deir native
justice and magnanimity; as well as t'de ties uh our common kindred,
t'disavow dese usurpashuns which wuz likeslt t'interrupt our connecshuns
and co'respondence. Dey too, gots been deaf t'de voice uh justice and uh
consanguinity. Slap mah fro! And when occassions gots been given dem, by
de regular course uh deir laws, of removin' fum deir councils de
disturbers o' our harmony, dey gots, by deir free elecshun, re-established
dem in power. Ah be baaad... At dis real time too, dey is puh'mittin' deir
chief magistrate t'drow upside not only soldiers of our common blood, but
Scotch and fo'eign mercenaries t'invade and destroy us. Dese facts gots
been given de last stab t'agonizin' affecshun, and manly spirit bids us
t'renounce fo'eva' dese unfeelin' brederen. 'S coo', bro. We gots'ta
endeavo' t'fo'get our fo'ma' love uh dem, and hold dem as we hold de rest
uh mankind, enemies in war, in peace homeys. We might gots a free and
great sucka's togeder; but some communicashun uh grandua' and of freedom,
it seems, be below deir dignity. Slap mah fro! Be it so, since dey gots'ta
it. Man! De road t'happiness and t'glo'y be jimmey to us, too. 'S coo',
bro. We gots'ta tread it apart fum dem, and acquiesce in de necessity
which denounces our eternal separashun.
We, derefo'e, de representatives uh de United States uh America, in
General Congress assembled, appealin' t'de Supreme Judge uh de wo'ld fo'
de rectitude uh our intenshuns, do, in de dojigger and by de audo'ity of
de baaaad sucka's uh dese states reject and renounce all allegiances and
subjugashun t'de kin's uh Great Britain and all oders who may hereafter
claim by, drough o' unda' dem; we utterly dissolve all political
connecshun which may heretofo'e gots subsisted between us and da damn
sucka's o' Parliament of Great Britain, dig dis: and finallywe do assert
and declare dese colonies to be free and independent states and dat, as
free and independent states, dey gots full powa' to levy war, conclude
peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and do all oda' acts and
doodads which independent states may of right do. 'S coo', bro.
And fo' de suppo't uh dis declarashun, wid some firm reliance on de
protecshun uh Divine Providence, we mutually pledge t'each oda' our lives,
our fo'tunes, and our sacred hono'.