IJMC - Not the 1998 Darwin Awards

Ladies and gentlemen, I fail to present you with the 1998 Darwin Awards, 
despite what this post claims. Check out http://www.darwinawards.com/ for 
the real, Copyrighted Darwin Awards. These are quite the hoax, with some 
having passed around for a while...but, they sound like some decent urban 
legend nonetheless.                                                 -dave






There's just no end of geniuses coming up with newer and better ways of
removing themselves from the gene pool.

The 1998 Darwin Awards They have finally been released! For those not
familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person
who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed
in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has
been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives
for this event.

The Darwin Awards Nominees

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks,
used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.  It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about
200 people looked on.   Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as  he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark,
Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where
another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

9. AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim
Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his
chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela
Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller
had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition
to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts  at  him. "I'm still not sure
why I did it," she said later. "I was really  close to the car, so I didn't
think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two
seconds."   However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab,
running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.
Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's  teeth. The
crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing  Corcoran's
gums with a cleaning pick.  In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
medical building.

10. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth-control vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad she had to draw a
picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator
arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.  Marie
Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable
to read the foil wrappers.  After the third one, she realized
something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a
sour-tasting foam.  She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks
away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat, and
stomach with no ill effects.

11. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet
before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen.  "All I can say,"said Bingham, "is that God was
watching out for me on that night. There's just no other  explanation for
it."  Bingham's foot was never located.

12. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as
listed below:   1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;   2.
The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of
the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
places;   3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
car parked at the front door;   4. An officer in uniform was standing next
to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.  Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene
pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No 
one else was hurt.

13. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck.  He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.  He drank
some poison and set fire to his clothes.  He even tried to shoot himself at
the last moment.  He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him.  Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him vomit the poison.  He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died - of
hypothermia.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason
Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but
the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
in the  head, fracturing his skull.   (2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October,
Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to
use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the
first and second floors of his house.   (3) Paul Stiller, 47, was
hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was
also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to
toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed
to notice that the window  was closed.   (4) Taking "Amateur Night"
Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five
days of amateur bullfighting.  This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of
matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
Morons."

AND THE WINNER IS....

Japan Times-April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this
disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima
hospital told reporters.  "If  this perversion catches on, it will destroy
the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was  speaking after the remains of 13
year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak  had been rushed into the hospital's
emergency room. "Most  'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
"inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air,
creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took it
further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that
wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going
to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him
to do it so, under cover of  darkness, he snuck in.  Not realizing how
powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and
placed a coin in the slot.  As a result, he died virtually instantly, but
passers-by are still in  shock.  One woman thought she was watching a
twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located
all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air
interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an
atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and  we
must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all
means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin
Awards recipient!