IJMC - Revenge Upon The Beanie Babies

The biggest ticket sales of the year for Major League Baseball have been 
on Beanie Baby night. So, all's American as baseball, apple pie, and 
beanie babies? Help.                                               -dave








 Warning - if you hold beanie babies near and dear to your heart -
 DON'T READ THIS!!!
 
 (for the rest of you, enjoy the vicarious thrill.....)
 
 ************************************************
 
 Author unknown -
 
 I was getting a bit hungry last week, so since I had to drop off some
 videos at the local Blockbuster ("Starship Troopers" and "Boogie
 Nights", if you must know), I'd go and get some lunch at McDonalds. 
 It somewhat  qualifies as a "food", at least until you get to dinner 
 when you can make up for it with some real nutrients.

 As I approached, it seemed odd that there was more than the usual
 number of morons going in there as well, along with a LOT of discarded
 Happy Meal containers in the parking lot. I worried that it may be
 "brat night",  but noticed that the telltale sign of sprogs working up
 a good lawsuit were absent from the playground out front, so I pressed
 on.  

 Anyways, as I was placing my order, this sweaty, fatassed she-freak
 tries to shove herself in front of me, screaming at the top of her
 lungs if they still had any of those pelican "Teeny Beany Babies" they
 were plopping into Happy Meals. It was bad enough that the line was
 extra long and extra slow because the McBots in the burger mines were
 working franticly to fill all those HM orders for the rest of the
 Beany-crazed herd. 

 I came close to wanting to grab this hippo and scream "GET OUT OF MY
 FACE, YOU BEANY-BRAINED MORON!! *I* *AM* *HUNGRYYYYYY*!!!!" at the top
 of my lungs, but Satan gave me a BETTER idea. Something with even MORE
 devastating potential.

 I looked towards the harried, humanoid shaped pimple-farm behind the
 counter and asked how many of these Bobdammed pelicans they had left.

 "Uh, about three", he said.
 "Okay, I'd like to add THREE Happy Meals to my order, and make sure
 they have those pelicans in there, OK?"  

 "Uh, Okay.......sure" he replied, catching onto why I would order that
 many.  It seemed to make him feel like he'd bring them to me on a
 McSilver tray if they had one.

 I gave Mrs. Jabba a bigassed smirk (ever see that part where the
 Grinch grins from ear to ear?). She seemed so agast at the horror of 
 her NOT getting her precious fucking Teeny Beanies that I actually 
 had to make sure that when my order came up, she did'nt try to make a 
 grab for one of the Happy Meals and run for the door (I'm sure she 
 would'nt move very fast, but trying to stop THAT much mass may prove 
 hazardous). 
  
 Instead, she screamed a bit shitfit, demanded to speak with the
 manager to make me GIVE HER those pelican Beanies (the head McManager
 just simply told her that it was "first come, first serve", and it was
 corporate policy).

 Realizing that she was as much of a loser as she was fat, she claimed
 that McDonald's & I were in on a conspiracy and swore that she was
 going to sue me and the McDonald's Corporation for every thin dime we
 both have and that were NOT going to get away with this,
 yatta-yatta-yatta, oink oink oink, moooooooo.

 Yeah, right.

 So there I sat, munching away on my McFood (there was enough there on
 the tray to even make the cow woman explode), with my little
 droopy-ass pelican toys sitting in full view so that as the
 Beany-morons left empty-handed, they'd see my treasure before them and
 they would know despair ("IIIIIIIIIIII-got your-Beeeeeeeeee-nies!
 You-can-not, haaaaave-none!  You-are-all-reeeeee-tards!"). A few of
 them actually came up to my table as I  was eating and offered real
 money for them, but my evil was in full bloom that hour, and I had
 other plans for these little effigies of mediahype and human
 stupidity.

 Before I departed (I was getting so full that I just ate the "meat"
 patty in each HM and left the buns and fries untouched), I sliced off
 the pelican heads and left each one perched on top of the straws of
 the undrunk small drinks as a warning to those who try to fuck around
 with MY personal space ever again (and used the ketchup packets to
 have simulated congealed blood running down the straws and neck stumps
 of the bodies, which I had placed in the uneaten buns). And to finish
 this masterpiece, I took out a marker to make a little billboard out
 of one of the HM boxes turned inside-out to write "BEANIES SUCK!!". It
 looked like a diorama of Vlad Teppes' visit to McDonaldLand.
 I wish I had a camera to photograph the table before I left, but I get
 a feeling some of the workers may have done so before they cleared it
 off.  I'm sure it made their day after their harrowing shift in
 Beanybrain Hell.  I've got to ask them if they can make me print when
 I go back there some day.

 Sure, I may have wasted a lot of good food and passed up the chance to
 make some moron money, but the chance to commit evil like this has NO
 price tag.