IJMC - Toasters Don't Kill People...

...people kill people. I wish I still had some of that pad. Anyway, the 
IJMC's a few days late (I know, what else is new?) but BellSouth tells me 
that the ADSL problems will be gone around Monday. Famous last words, but 
who knows, they might be telling the truth. Sure seemed like I was 
pulling a tooth to get that much information out of them. Of course, I 
could go back to the modem...but that would be cheating. :)         -dave





I've done a little research, and what I've 
discovered should make anyone think twice....

1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
     households score below average on standardized tests.

3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
     the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
     infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
     in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
     influenza ravaged whole nations.

4.   More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
     24 hours of eating bread.

5.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
     proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
     suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
     that in one month!

6.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low 
     incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
     osteoporosis.

7.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
     bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
     little as two days.

8.   Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
     "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
     cold cuts.

9.   Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
     more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
     lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
     product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
     That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12.  Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
     between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
     babbling.



In light of these frightening statistics, 
we propose the following bread restrictions:

1.   No sale of bread to minors.

2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with
     celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
     ills we might associate with bread.

4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
     appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who
cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think idiotically, act globally!