IJMC - Open Letter From Olean
Seeing as these products are finally going from test markets to the whole
country, I think this is timely. It may sound a little harsh, but we live
in a country that is now confirmed as 50% overweight (I have to admit, I
fall into that bunch...I need to lose some fat too...but, I'm not looking
forward to Olean in any way!). Anyway, this doesn't fall into my, "Let's
start the week off in a happy way," it just kinda falls. -dave
An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers
Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute
wonder substance has at last been approved by the FDA, and is now on
supermarket shelves: "Olean." This exciting new substance allows you to
eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle
Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. Just imagine, you
pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips,
creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs.
You heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles
while sitting in front of the TV, lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk,
Double Stuf Oreos and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the
unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate our
revolutionary food breakthrough in the manner which befits your disgusting
existence--by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you
burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.
I'm not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can
now amply feed their societally induced neuroses about their body images.
I'm just talking to you, fatties.
Does Olean have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion,
gastrointestinal upset, and uncontrollable diarrhea, just to name a few.
That's right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like, oafish
legs. But what do you care? What's one or two more repulsive personal
traits to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth
like they're Tic Tacs, you blimps.
Does it sound like I'm insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I
am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for
about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to
stop? Or maybe you'll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute?
I doubt it. That would take self-control.
You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olean? Eat a balanced
diet? Walk to places instead of drive? Sound horrific? I'd better stop
before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your "I got so
fat I'm going to die" medication.
Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from
Olean, thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a
career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a
beggar. Ha! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true
glory of The Market. Long live The Market! Long live fatties!
--Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.
Chief Food Scientist
Olean Development Team