IJMC Oscar Musings (Long)

                    IJMC - Oscar Musings (Long)

Well, our founder speaks again. I am proud to introduce the International 
Junk Mail Clearinghouse's long-time founder and cohort in crime, Michael 
Ivey!                                                               -dave

P.S. I got him the email address he asks about...

<RANT MODE="post-oscar" TARGET="AMPAS" CURSE="I hope they all get syphilis">

I stayed up 'til 1:30 AM today, trying to teach my dog[1] to say, "I hope
they all get Syphilis."  That's how I feel about that travesty[2] that was
the Academy Awards. 

Every year, I stay up 'til the wee hours of the night because the freaks
on the West Coast have all come out for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts
and Sciences (AMPAS) big awards.  "My industry"[3], as I still think of it
sometimes, gathers together 'en masse' to celebrate the highest
achievements in Film.  And every year, I cross my fingers, hope, and pray,
that this is the year the Academy gets some balls.  Maybe, just maybe,
this will be the year that they DON'T pick the film that the sheep-like
masses have flocked to. 

Maybe this year films that DESERVE to be picked as the best of the year
will actually get that designation.  And alas, every year I end up
disappointed, angry, and glad I got the hell out of that industry that
supports such a lousy "judging body." 

Titanic:  God what a waste of celluloid.  James Cameron should have fired
his entire staff half-way through editing, because no one stood up and
said, "James...it's too damn long, man...I mean, Sir."  And they got Best

The only thing those editors could have done to deserve an Oscar was cut
out 1.5 hours of "footage of people wandering aimlessly" behind James'
back, and get to the good stuff: naked parts, and then people falling and
bouncing off propellers.  And I'm glad Leo didn't show up.  He, at least,
has some balls. 

As Good As It Gets:  Didn't even see it, but just from the one clip they
showed of the yelling in the stairway, it deserved Best Picture.[4] At
least Best Actor and Best Actress went to the right people. 

That long-ass Family Album thing:  2 words.  Who cares?  It was a bunch of
people that had won stuff, a long time ago...and I would have loved to
have seen that, say around 3pm on a Sunday.  But when you're up, waiting
for that announcement[5] after what has seemed like eons, WHO FREAKING

Ben and Matt:  Thank God.  Their victory is a triumph for all aspiring
filmmakers.  And it was a kickass film, deserved a Medal of Honor from God

I didn't see a bunch of the other films nominated...I was too busy sitting
around being pissed about the waste of 3 hours of my life that was

So I can't comment on many of the films.  But I haven't been this
disappointed in a Best Picture award since Babe lost.  Talk about a

Ok, that's enough for today.  Hope you all have shared a little bit of my
pain, and why Angus and I didn't sleep well last night.[9] I tried to go
to the www.ampas.org website, but it doesn't load.  I was looking for an
email address, so I could send them a copy of this.  If anyone finds one,
please let me know. 

Please feel free to forward this, as long as the attributions are kept in

Hell, Dave, send it out to the IJMC...I want the world to know that one
man and his dog aren't sheep.  Or something like that, anyway. 

[1]   Angus
[2]   I also tried to teach him to say Travesty.  Both attempts failed.
[3]   For those of you who don't know, I was a Film (Phlegm) and Video Major 
      for 2 years or so, at Georgia State.
[4]   Helen Hunt is a Goddess.  And Jack Nicholson should be President.  For 
      real.  I'd vote for him...wouldn't you?
[5]   That will be a TRAVESTY, mind you.
[6]   I really did like the naked parts.[7]
[7]   And the guy bouncing off the propeller.
[8]   That'll do, Oscar, that'll do.
[9]   He muttered "Syphilis...syphilis" in his sleep all night...

/michael the bitter

Michael D. Ivey, RHCE, BOFH    | finger ivey@realminfo.com
Senior Technical Manager       | for UIN, PGP, GEEK CODE, etc.
REALM Information Technologies | "Always obey the laws of Physics"

IJMC March 1998 Archives