IJMC - How To Be A Freak In 4 Easy Lessons
I'm going to have to cc: a friend of mine from work. She likes to think
I'm a freak...sheesh, I couldn't even pass a final exam from this
curriculum! Quick mention, even though this is Monday's post, I'm not
putting my weight below my blurb. I'm working out with a good friend on
Mondays and Wednesdays and well, his complex's weight room doesn't have a
scale and I don't trust the home scale. So, I'm moving the number to
Tuesdays since I'll be at my gym with the same scale most every week.
Admittedly, I peeked on Sunday...the thing claimed I lost weight... -dave
Subject: How to be a freak in 4 easy lessons.
I don't know if this is a bit too long for the IJMC, although I seem to
recall getting posts a bit longer than this. Also, it was written from
a High School Student's standpoint. The lessons can all be adapted and
applied to other situations, though.
And yes, I was REALLY bored when I wrote this.
Before I embark on writing this, its important for me to tell all of you
that true freakishness comes from the inside. Every single one of you
readers has an inner weirdness that's just trying to burst out-- unless,
that is, it already has. These lessons are not meant to replace the
strange nature which exists inside you, but rather to help those who are
"strangeness-challanged" discover their true potential for being a
freak. You would be suprised to know how many people are repressed in
this area (or maybe you wouldn't, I don't know). If by this I help only
one person become more of an oddball, more of a weirdo, or more of a
freak, I shall be happy. And its also important for you to know that
any suggestions I give for being a freak you are free to use, but I
encourage you to come up with your own ways and use them, and only to
use mine as a starting point. I know you all have vibrant, creative
little minds, so use them, dammit! So, that said, on with the lessons.
LESSON ONE... clothes
All of you know about the freaks- you know, the black hair dyed, dark
clothes wearing, white face makeup sporting people who are everywhere.
Or perhaps when you hear the word "freak" you picture young punks, fresh
from body piercing parlor, with spiked hair and long chains. These are
what people commonly assume are the biggest freaks out there. However,
this is often not the case. The biggest freaks are frequently those you
would never suspect- the ones wearing the gray sweatshirts and blue
jeans, standing on the sidewalk looking perfectly innocent and
harmless... those are the ones to watch. But if you cannot tell a freak
such as this from any other "normal" person, you say, then how are you
supposed to watch him or her? That is the beauty of being a blendable
freak. No one ever suspects you and you can get away with quite a bit
more. Use this to your advantage. Dress in inconspicuous clothes, and
the attention of the masses will be drawn away from you towards the
"goths" or "punks" or whatever. Then, when you engage in whatever
freakish high jinx you have planned the shock value will be much higher.
However, for the more experienced or outgoing freak, I believe that
there is nothing wrong with a little healthy dressing up. You will
discover your own style of freakishness as you go along, and if you find
that wearing odd clothes truly aids you in being weird then by all means
go for it! I'm a firm believer in "to each his (or her) own." If the
goth or punk type clothes aren't your thing, don't give up. There is a
style out there to suit everyone, even though yours may take a bit of
searching to find.
LESSON TWO... group freakishness
While freaking people out occasionally is done best alone, there are
some times when you simply need an extra person or two. If you have
sufficiently freaky friends, I encourage you to join them in the crusade
to frighten the normal and/or preppy people of the world. Using two
people can sometime double the impact of weirdness on easily frightened
people... the shock of seeing not only one person, but TWO people doing
strange things quite often really gets to them. One of the best ways to
effectively use multiple people in freaking out expeditions is to stage
a scene. This will sometimes require rehearsing beforehand, although
improvisation often can bring an extra feel of reality to a public
exhibition. Here is an example of something two people could perform.
The following works much better if the two people are the same sex.
Person A and B are walking down a somewhat crowded street, perhaps
downtown, talking. The conversation gradually becomes a bit louder
until it is very audible to those around them. What they hear is this:
A: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!
B: YOU can't believe ME?
A: After all I've done for you, to throw me to the ground for that...
B: EXCUSE ME! I think it was YOU who first tried to get with
Josephine! Do you SERIOUSLY think I didn't notice??
A: I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT! I've always loved you!!
B: WELL, you wouldn't know it by the way you've been acting!
A: DAMN YOU, maybe if you listened to me once and awhile, you would see
all I've sacrificed for your sake.
B: I tried to listen, but YOU were always bitching at me, all the
time! NEVER a kind word out of your worthless mouth!
A: THAT'S IT! ITS OVER! I never want to see you again!!
(both walk away in opposite directions)
B: (turns and shouts back at A) AND I WANT ALL OF YOUR CRAP OUT OF MY
APARTMENT TONIGHT! YOU CAN FIND YOUR OWN DAMN BED TO SLEEP IN, BECAUSE
YOU SURE AS HELL WON'T BE IN MINE!
Of course, A and B will meet up again at a predetermined spot and
discuss how the charade went.
You see? Its easy to make a big scene. Shorter ones include having one
person say to the other very loudly, "Don't deny our love, you must feel
it the same as I! Just because we're in public doesn't mean-" and then
the person being addressed will drag the speaker off, leaving a bunch of
very confused bystanders behind.
LESSON THREE... school
School is possibly one of the most opportunity rich places to be a
freak. The number of idiotic/preppie/normal/moron people is
staggering there. There are many ways to go about being a freak at
school, and I'm going to outline some of them here.
The basic principle behind being a freak in any public setting is that
you want to (of course) freak people out. Never forget your primary
goal. Now naturally the methods you use to achieve this goal will vary
from situation to situation, but still the guiding rule remains the
same. Scare the crap out of normal people. ***IMPORTANT NOTE: Keep
your self restraint on. At school, for example, do not do things which
will get you into huge trouble. A little trouble is okay, but watch
yourself. Getting yourself suspended will tend to interfere with your
freak activities.... just don't be stupid, and use common sense.***
HALLWAYS. These are wonderful places to exercise your freaky
nature. Activities to do in the hall include singing show tunes very
loudly during passing periods (and if you're daring, during classes);
dancing and skipping instead of walking; or putting odd signs on your
locker. You can get very creative with the last one, and if your locker
happens to be in a prime place it will attract quite a bit of stares and
comments. If that's not enough for you, you can always walk up to some
unsuspecting soul who you've never seen before and who probably has
never seen you, grab hold of their shoulders, and say something along
the lines of, "I always loved you, and even if you try to throw it away,
what we had was beautiful! BEAUTIFUL!" then run off. (credit Lindsonini
for that one.) One other thing that is interesting to do in a hallway is
to get a little toy plastic launcher dart gun thing thing which, when
used correctly, can launch little cardboard gliders at least halfway
down the length of a long hall. You can occasionally find these at
general and variety stores in the "cheap toy" section for about a
dollar. And if I have to tell you what to do with this, you're beyond
LUNCHTIME. Lunch is another good time to freak people out.
Probably the first thing that will come to many peoples' minds about
this time is the tired "fooooood fiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhhtt!" An
interesting activity, but its been done. The joy of being a freak comes
from thinking up new ways to be strange, not reusing old ones. Newer,
more creative variations on this theme could be, say, finding yourself a
nice tree (assuming whatever adult that is in the area won't force you
to get down, which they probably will) and arming yourself with whatever
food you can find that is easy to throw. But many of the most fun
activities at lunch don't involve food. In any cafeteria or eating
area, a common theme is Lots of Stupid People in One Place. The
opportunities for large scale freaking out are endless. Run into the
eating area screaming, then when everyone stops and stares at you simply
smile, wave, and calmly walk away. If you like, you can twitch ever so
slightly as you make your exit. Or bring a pillow and blanket and claim
a whole table as your "resting area." When people ask what the hell you
think you're doing, just say that the stress has gotten to you and you
need a nap. If you're pushed off of the table, storm off in a huff
muttering about "judgment day" and how they'll "get theirs in the end."
Or perhaps you would rather simply bring a cucumber and go around
threatening tables with it, saying you'll shoot and demanding twinkies.
As you can see, the possibilities go on and on.
CLASS. Ah, yes, class. The reason for which school was
established, and the reason why many people tend to hate it. But those
who know the truth are aware that class can be a fun and interesting
time, as the opportunities for being a freak are here, too. You should
be very careful to know a bit about your teacher before you embark on
intense freakishness-- as I said before, getting into trouble severely
impairs future freaky efforts. But presuming your teacher is freak
tolerant, or even somewhat so, on we go. If you have the luck to be in
a public speaking class, use your free range speeches to scare the hell
out of people. For example, "How to Get Revenge on Someone and Not Get
Arrested" (a real speech I did last year) or "Waffles: A
Retrospective." Get creative. If you're not in a speech class, that's
fine too. Many times in, say, English classes, you get to pick and
choose a book to read yourself or (even better) a poem to read to the
class. I highly recommend checking out, say, the Beat literature of the
fifties and introducing your class to the lesser known (or at least
lesser taught) side of poetry (I saw the best minds of my generation
destroyed by/madness, starving hysterical naked/dragging themselves
through the negro streets at dawn/looking for an angry fix,/angelheaded
hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly/connection to the starry
dynamo in the machinery of night....). Once again, get creative. You
can probably do anything found an any other section of this lesson in
class, as a matter of fact. Don't limit yourself.
One last note about school. Probably the way I've distinguished myself
most as being a freak at school is by bringing some sort of small toy
with me every day. This works extremely well as it worries the normal
people a LOT. And if you're going to go that way, one accessory you
simply MUST have is a yo-yo. Trust me on this one.
LESSON FOUR... other public places
The same rules apply here as do at school. Freak people out = primary
goal. One thing that remains a constant for every place you can be
freaky in is singing. Get a bunch of cheap paper masks and a couple of
friends, and go around the mall belting out "Masquerade" from the
Phantom of the Opera. Or find a bench in the middle of the park and sit
by yourself, singing the same line of a song over and over again (ex:
"Wake up, its a neeew day, better maaaake way for a smiiiile!.........
Wake up, its a neeew day, better maaaake way for a smiiiile!.... etc.).
Not too loud, mind you, but loud enough for people to hear. If you
don't want to make noise, perhaps bringing a paper bag, drawing on two
eyes and a big smile, putting it over your head and sitting down in a
crowded area is more to your tastes. To really make people stare at
you, get a kleenex box (By the way. This is just a reminder to always
name your kleenex boxes, no matter what.) and put some wheels on the
bottom. Attach a harness to it and take it for walks (again, the mall
is a good place for this). If people ask you what in the hell you're
doing, act offended and say that he is your pet. (credit Nadia S.
[Nesasa] and Rebecca M. [Remama] for that joyous little tidbit... and we
can't forget dear Frederique de Bleu.) If that's not enough for you,
insist that he can do tricks. Give it a command, then act embarrassed
when it doesn't do anything, and walk away yelling at it.
Well, kiddies, that's it for now. Use the different lessons together,
and learn from them. Even better, though, is to experiment on your own
and then learn from your own experiences. Plus, this deserves to be
restated- all of this is only a starting point. Expand, grow, think of
your own ways to be weird. What comes out of many of your own minds
will be far stranger than what I have set down here. Above all:
remember, stay a freak, for the rest of your life! Those who loose
their freakishness loose themselves. Chow!