IJMC - Buck Bangalore's Better Bachelor Living
It's just kind of a night for the guys. But this makes three and with
that I'm calling it a night. Makes up for last night and one for last
week. More to come later...I promise... -dave
P.S. Do I get a free Penetrators CD for this one Flip? <grin>
Subject: Buck Bangalore's Better Bachelor Living
Dave, thought this might be good for a laugh on the IJMC...
Hey, who needs Dear Abby when you've got Buck Bangalore's Better Bachelor
Living? To find Buck, just point your browser to www.penetrators.com (the
home of one of the finest surf bands ever to kick a reverb tank)...
Here are just a few of his tips....
PUT SOME LIFE IN YOUR PARTY
I'm planning on giving a party when college starts back in the fall. My past
parties have been OK but not the hits that I wanted. I always seem to get
something wrong. Can you give me some advice?
Well, Ron... It's pretty easy to have a good party when you know the right
trick, and that is to invite the Right Mix of People. Variety is important.
Who to invite? This is of major importance and can mean a successful soiree,
or a gig that emptys out by 10 pm, leaving you with enough pretzels to feed
North Korea and a dangerously high volume of beer and booze on hand, which, if
not taken care of properly, could lead to a "buckshot" semester. So let's get
to that invitee list! Aside from your normal assortment of friends and
hangers-on, here's what ya need.
Need I say more? Chicks are the difference between a party and a bunch of guys
just sitting around drinking. Believe me Ron, I've been there, and there are
fewer things more dangerous to your property, health, and neighborhood than a
bunch of bored college guys with a large amount of booze and beer on hand.
So... let there be chicks! You of course always invite the good-looking girls,
and plenty of 'em, but here's a tip... and listen up... invite several ugly
chicks. You heard me.
Inviting ugly chicks accomplishes two things. First, you look like a great
guy, and secondly.... ugly chicks always, always Ron, have at least one
blindingly good-looking friend. That babe is sure to be in tow when the ugly
chick comes. Don't forget, Ron, that if you just invite the blindingly good-
looking chick she might not come... if her ugly friend isn't invited.
No matter how hard you try to keep them at bay, a few of Gerry's legion of the
Grateful Un-Dead will show up. Try to keep it to an ultra-minimum. Too many
and they'll take over the stereo, and you could spend the rest of the evening
listening to extended guitar "jams" and the ever-irritating chat about
concerts and how "even though Gerry's dead, the band isn't." A few hippies
feeling out of place and uncomfortable is always good for a laugh. And later
when they get drunk (or stoned) they are highly suggestible, and can provide
hours of (their) death defying entertainment.
Every college town has 'em Ron, and I'm sure yours is no exception. By old
weirdos, I don't mean mentally ill old-age pensioners or geriatric dribblers,
I mean the old cool guys who still hang around college towns because they had
such a great time in college they think it can last forever... and for some of
them it does! Quite often these Old Weirdos can be found right on the faculty
of your university.
Invite one... and one only! They'll regale you with stories of the old days,
and will probably do something hilarious before the night's over. A
suggestion, though. Make sure the old weirdo you invite has good hygiene. Good
hygiene is often the difference between perceiving an old weirdo as just a
zany old loon or seeing him as a menacing, dirty psychopath. The latter will
clear out your party quicker than a live hand grenade.
This is a sub-section of the hippy category. Invite only one. Snicker when
he/she expresses his/her views. Talk about eating those big bloody steaks you
grilled out earlier, and what a gas it is that Nike is getting revenge for us
losing in Vietnam. Great laughs!
Man, Ron... this is by far the best part. Invite one very incompatible pair of
chicks. By that I mean two girls who hate each other. It's best when they are
competing for the same guy. Or better yet, when one has screwed the other
one's boyfriend. Get 'em both drunk. Sit back and relax, and the next thing
you know, REOWWWWW...PFFFFT PFFFFT!!! Catfight! Ron, entertainment of this
quality cannot be manufactured, and is well worth any broken glass you may
.are a party mainstay. You know the type. They are generally overweight and
sweat profusely in any temperature over 35 F. They are often chain-smokers,
and hang out with the binge drinkers (see Funnelmen), so they aren't likely to
live very long, which is probably why they are living it up while they can.
Whoopers are the ones who go around yelling "Whooooooo! Party!" and demanding
high-fives and/or head-butts. These are unavoidable nuisances, but sometimes
keep up the good mood of a party. There is a different sort of math with
Whoopers. Keep them at a minimum, but remember: one is bad, but two are better
-- the reason being that Whoopers tend to gravitate to each other, and will
keep each other occupied. One Whooper is just an annoyance.
Funnelmen, or the "Beer Bong Boys," as they are known, are also a party
mainstay. If it is your house you better keep the Funnelmen outside with the
beer bong. More than one intrepid party-goer has blown his lunch after a few
pulls on the beer bong, and the Funnelmen are not the type to clean up the
mess. Funnelmen are great to have at parties... when it's not your house. If
it's your house, beware! Also note: Under all circumstances keep your date,
girlfriend or pickup target away from the Funnelmen, or you could end up with
a "Sick Chick"! I'll cover that later.
What college party is complete without an exchange student? Exchange students
are loads of laughs, especially when they are drunk. Faulty English grammar
and goofy grins make them often interchangeable with "The Cute Animal," but
remember again, the hygiene rule applies!!! One word of warning: When
discussing goofy exchange students, I am referring to primarily Third World
Do not, under any circumstances, invite the following: Scandinavian athletes,
Germans who look like Panzer tank commanders or good-looking South Americans.
These are threats to your chick target-environment, and most importantly, they
don't play by the rules 'cause they'll be gone in a year anyway! If in doubt
about your exchange student and you begin to feel threatened, then send him to
the Funnelmen to "show us how the sissies in your country drink." (Again, this
will not work with Russians, Scandinavian athletes or German tank-commander
types... you will be met with a chuckle and a "Vatch dis, poozies! Glug glug
glug glug glug... Ahhhhh... HOW YOU LIKE DAT, HUH??!! Now is your turn!")
Have a cute animal on hand. Chicks love cute animals. If things get dull, get
him out of his cage and show him off. When things liven up, chuck him back in
his cage or room or you run the risk of an animal-on-the-loose in a room full
of drunks. Generally, drunks and animals don't mix well (except for dogs,
which seem tailor-made for drunks), so keep an eye on the situation. Again,
hygiene is important... remember, chicks only like animals if they don't smell
bad, so if you have a dog, plop him in the tub before the big shindig.
Well Ron, I hope that helps. Having the right mixture of people at your party
is just like a cocktail. Mixed right, it's a wonder to behold. Mixed poorly,
it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. So start inviting for that back-to-school
wing-ding and... "Get in there and knock 'em dead!"
THE DRUNKEN GOURMET
I guess I'm like a lot of single guys, in that I'm not much of a cook. I don't
even LIKE to cook. What sucks is when I get the munchies in the middle of the
night, the pizza place has stopped delivering, and I'm starving!! Give me some
snack advice, please. I need it easy to fix. Thanks.
Okay, you've been out late, and you've just returned home. Then it hits you:
"Man, I'm so hungry! But I'm too drunk to drive anywhere to get some food!"
Bummer, isn't it? If you have any leftovers in the fridge, consider yourself
fortunate and chow down. If you don't you'll have to whip up a little late-
Poor judgement and hunger brought on by hours of heavy drinking can lead to a
late night cook-o-rama. The meals prepared under these circumstances are often
the most bizarre concoctions known to mankind... the kind of stuff that makes
a school cafeteria or army mess-hall meal look like dining at the finest
restaurant in New Orleans. I usually try to have leftovers or a frozen pizza
on hand, but sometimes ya just gotta cook!
Word of warning: try to cook something that requires active participation.
Beware of falling asleep with food in the oven. Waking up in a smoke-filled
apartment with a flaming "Hungry Man Dinner" in the oven is not good. It's a
good way to stink up your apartment for months to come, and in the worst-case
scenario, it's a good way to burn your apartment down and leave you (should
you escape with your life) looking wet and bedraggled trying to explain to the
fire chief that you were "hungry and just wanted a little late-night feast"
The key is to have food reserves for this eventuality. Canned foods are good,
as are frozen foods. These can be put on a plate or in a bowl and chucked in
the microwave. (Remember to remove all packaging!! No metal!!) The microwave
is doubly good because it's: 1. quick, and 2., usually won't cause food to
combust if done wrong.
If you don't have any prepared food reserves, you'll have to give your
creativity full reign and create a meal from the ingredients you have at hand.
Spanky Twangler, for instance, has been known to eat Nacho Doritos with peanut
butter, as well as popcorn and canned Hormel Chili!! I know some of you
readers have a favorite late-night feast, so e-mail us and tell us about your
kitchen wizardry... we may even post your recipe. Remember, originality is
important, and it must be edible (when inebriated)!