IJMC - Funny Comparison Between Man and Woman

Oops...it's Tuesday and I don't have a weight to put down...as mentioned, 
my mom's birthday was yesterday, so I put off my exercise with Mike to 
tonight and didn't go to the gym. Hmm, well, dunno, but I'll say this, at 
least tonight I bicycled to workout with Mike instead of driving. Hell, 
an hour later and I'm still on an adrenaline high. That had to be good 
for some weight loss, right? <grin>                                 -dave





FUNNY COMPARISON BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. 
Most 17-year old females can function as adults. 
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards 
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why 
high school romances rarely work out. 

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is 
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. 
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men 
elicit laughter from women.  (Except me, of course)

BATHROOM:A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from 
the Holiday Inn. 
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items. 

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left 
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. 
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout 
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly 
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 
10-items-or-less lane. 

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, 
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the 
desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. 

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's 
walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. 
She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers 
if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." 

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready 
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on 
her makeup..

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women 
aren't looking, men kick cats with all their might, then giggle their 
heads off!!! 

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best 
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, 
"Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and 
actually FEELS the pain. 

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, 
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man 
will dress up for: weddings & funerals, period.  And only if a woman 
makes him do so.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear 
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is 
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent 
a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always 
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth 
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." 

THE WEDDING: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about 
"the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". 

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, 
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Fat-Ass and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack
will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of 
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want 
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket 
calculators. 

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. 
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny 
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Teddy Savalas' head.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. 
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman 
can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will
call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for 
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying 
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I 
know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store." 

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. 
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age 
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and 
silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. 
Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small 
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that 
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. 

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. 
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. 

TIME:When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, 
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football 
game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., 
"Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an 
Uzi that size.","Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia 
guys", etc. 
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations 
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside 
looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, 
wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. 

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on 
a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 
"Pass the Doritos", "Got any more beer?", or "Look at that chick!!"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling 
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a 
man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was 
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"