IJMC Answering Machine Messages

                   IJMC - Answering Machine Messages

It's amazing how many of these I used to see. It's even more amazing how 
many of these I used to use...anyway, to mention, no, the problems with 
the listserv haven't been completely fixed yet, although we've got a 
workaround that should slow it down until Netcom fixes everything. And 
I'm testing Majordomo on my server right now, as soon as I'm satisfied 
with how it's working I will switch to it so the IJMC will be out of 
Netcom's hands. Bear with this a little longer and send laurat@hal.com 
all the mail you care to. Just please, if you reply to her letter instead 
of using that address, *do not* use a "reply to all receipients" function 
or key or whatever. And if you don't know what that is, that's fine, just 
don't reply to her message at all.                                  -dave

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous
International Institute of Answering Machine Answers. 
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave 
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone right 
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing 
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly.  So
leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back 
to you."
"A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is
why we're not here.
So leave a message."
"Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. 
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

(Narrator's voice) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of 
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds!  Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort 
is in vain."
"The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can 
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with 
one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped 
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you 
want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to 
the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. 
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets 
are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need 
their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, 
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. 
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone.   Otherwise, we probably aren't 
home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very 
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability 
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice 
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of 
*your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. 
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff 
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the 
tone.  Thank you."

"Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

IJMC January 1998 Archives