IJMC Virtual Children

                        IJMC - Virtual Children

If you're thinking of having kids...read this. Try it. Then, reconsider. 
Or don't. Just don't blame me if they grow up reading the IJMC. :) -dave

 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
 a beanbag-chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
 months, take out 10% of the beans. 

 Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the
 contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
 help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
 paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read
 it for the last time. 

 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
 are already parents and berate them about their methods of
 discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
 how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
 which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
 training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be
 the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. 

 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
 from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.
 At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
 sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
 bag, till 1 AM. Go to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed
 at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs
 in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make
 breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear
 peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish
 finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your
 fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the
 stains with crayons. How does that look? 

 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
 octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
 bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all

 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint
 turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
 tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last,
 take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco
 Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations.
 You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee. 

 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave
 it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
 like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
 compartment. Leave it there. After leaving the car in the sun for
 several hours, stick your fingers in the goo and run them liberally
 over all windows.  Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player.
 Take a family size packet of chocolate cookies and mash them
 down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
 There. Perfect. 

 8. Get ready to go out: wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
 out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
 again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again.
 Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect
 minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue
 and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've
 had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare
 at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about
 ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 

 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 

 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
 can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
 you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
 your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
 Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
 accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. 

 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
 from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
 soggy corn flakes and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
 pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the corn flakes are
 gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls
 on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. 

 12. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Shining
 Time Station, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself
 singing "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a

IJMC January 1998 Archives