IJMC Ahh, Hollywood...

                         IJMC - Ahh, Hollywood...

...I could be nice about Hollywood. But then, I did just see Batman and 
Robin last week. A tip, don't watch it, unless you want to see just how 
bad the Batmoan movies have become. As for Hollywood in general, well, 
let's just say I hope someone who can do something about it is listening 
and can get those idiots to make movie previews and trailers that don't 
show scenes from the last 30-60 minutes of a movie. And I had thought 
that they might have had a clue about not showing scenes from the last 
5-10 minutes of a movie...but now, they haven't. Ok, I'll get off my 
soapbox for a moment and let you nice people read your humor. It's good 
tonight, at least in my opinion...of which you've had enough. :)   -dave


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club
at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no 
one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to 
any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition 
- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming
art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill;
just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches.  When entering a kitchen at night,you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in
their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning
even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never
suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

IJMC January 1998 Archives