IJMC Santa Is A Man

                      IJMC - Santa Is A Man

Part two, as promised. Hmm...I lied. Her name's Carol Lin...can anyone 
get me a date? <grin> She's cute. Ok, now I've said more than enough on 
that subject. Soo...have a happy holidays everyone, and no fair drinking 
any more egg nog than I do!                                        -dave

Try to imagine Denis Leary reading this...



There Is No Way Santa Can Be A Woman
Author: Unknown

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female.  Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year.  The line at the department
store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with
every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made
because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not
make your butt look fat."  Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month
but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney?  Gosh, she might break
a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard?  I'm sure you'll agree that
most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're
total schnauzers). 

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair.  She'd be down at
the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol
Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and
the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone
or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. 
I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's
ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk
doesn't work with reindeer. 

A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n
Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world
because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like
'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy
Crawlers'.  And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table
on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he
was there.  If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would
be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all
over the kitchen floor.  As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs
Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it. 

And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy,
consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas: 

"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."

If Santa was female, that line would have read:

"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinately..."

Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters
(with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner).

IJMC December 1998 Archives