IJMC Perot, For Ten Million

                  IJMC - Perot, For Ten Million

This is one of those posts I send out because I read through the whole=20
thing. So, now, if you can't resist, you get to read it all too. Share=20
the sufferring. I'm not sure what's worse, Perot himself, or someone=20
imitating Perot. You decide.                                     -dave

Name: Ross Perot

Occupation: Businessman, billionaire, presidential candidate

Political Ambition: Who wants to know?
Secret Ambition: To be commissioner of baseball
Proudest Achievement: Learning how to use Microsoft Excel
Least Proudest Achievement: Not making as much money as Bill Gates
Legacy: Keeping an ear to the ground for that "giant sucking sound."=20
Quote: "Now look at this here chart..."

That Giant Sucking Sound Mentioned earlier

OK, listen up! Ross Perot here for your White House Plumbers. Yes, I know,
when you think of White House Plumbers you probably don't immediately
associate the name with sewage, snags and that other "S"  word.=20

Well, let me try that again. When you think of White House Plumbers, you
probably don't immediately think of covering up leaks.=20

Ooops, what was I thinking!=20

Well, you know that great big sucking sound I keep telling ya about? Well,
it's not the sound of our jobs being sucked off south of the border
anymore =97 that's already happened. No, incredible as it may seem, that
sucking sound is coming from the White House!=20

Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear.=20

Oops, wrong line again!=20

Stay with me on this. I am going to make this as distinguishable as
bimbo's testimony in a Paula Jones case deposition or you can trust me on
this, I will never run for President ever again.=20

Say you're a special prosecutor who has been shooting blanks for four
years and spent all your ammunition about $30 million worth shooting at
dirty laundry hung out for all to see. Eventually, even though you're
shooting blanks, the neighbors are going to start complaining about the
noise you're making, and worse you're going to have leaks.=20

By leaks, I don't mean those filth-covered ,onion-breath vegetables that
come out of the dirt clothed only in a fig leaf.  (Although you'll
probably have a few of those too).=20

I mean those filth-covered, onion-breath vegetables that come out of the
dirt clothed in top-of-the-line REI and Banana Republic outdoor gear.=20
They usually hang out near dumpsters, video tape cameras and that buffet
table you special prosecutors put out for just this occasion. Once they're
well fed, they report their findings (and critique your table spread) to
the editors of the tabloid press at ABC, NBC and CBS. CNN you'll notice
doesn't stoop to this, because Larry King can afford his own buffet table.
I love what that man can do with meatballs!=20

We, here at White House Plumbers, are not anything like those White House
Plumbers you read about in the history books. Just because we have an
office at the Watergate Hotel, right next to Monica Lewinsky's suite and
Bob Dole's Doughnut Emporium doesn't mean we act like those jack-booted
thugs who shoot for the back of the head. No, we leave that sort of
activity to other terrorist organizations, like the IRS, the FBI and
certain talk show hosts.=20

We are the 90's White House plumbers who can take care of those leaks that
come from any self-respecting special prosecutor's office. This way, you
can go ahead and enjoy surfing at Malibu, while those contempt citations
drown in a wave of silence.=20

Remember with our patented LindatrappTM the raw sewage that typically
spills out of your proceedings will be distilled, distorted and
distributed to the dumpster or news organization of your choice. What you
do with the collection in the LindatrappTM is up to you.=20

Let our record speak for itself. Anyone ever hear of Susan McDougal?
Didn't think so.=20

Here was a lady that was trying to cheat a special prosecutor of his
lifetime ambition. We just walked right up behind her, collected her
denials in the LindatrappTM and ultimately spirited her across the
continent into a nice comfortable room with its own sleeping area and
toilet facilities where she has plenty of time to think up some evidence
against the President. This way, we don't even have to bother the
overworked judicial system with little details like constitutional rights.=

 Quote of the Week:

"... you elevate mere suspicion to specific accusations without any=20
facts other than the press's misleading attribution of sources."
 =97 Kenneth Starr in a letter sent to White House Attorney David Kendall=

So, if your investigation is getting mucked up with complaints about your
over-zealousness, let us take care of your leaks.  We can also make sure
that those leaks that NEED a voice, will have access to every tabloid news
service from the New York Times to the campus newspaper at Lewis & Clark

That way, your investigation never gets interrupted by considerations
other than your determination to see that the facts never get in the way
of a good prosecution. These are great times in America, when being a
zealot means never having to say you're sorry.=20

Act now, and you will get an extra free gift! You'll get a free doughnut
from the Bob Dole Doughnut Emporium fresh from his kitchens at the
Watergate Hotel =97 with our compliments!=20

IJMC December 1998 Archives