IJMC - No Abilities












 CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. 

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage,
is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.
citizens who lack any real skills or uses. 

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves
in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.  "Their lives are
futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: 
Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black
& Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will
ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American
dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a
reality." 

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory
sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and
promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. 

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one useless
worker for every two talented hirees. 

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?" 

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who
lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile
wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law
should really help people like me." 

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light
at the end of the tunnel. 

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to
provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of
value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."